Here's the sales pitch for [i]Uncraft World[/i]:
"We put boobs in the background."
I enjoy well-drawn tatas as much as the next guy, but let's call a spade a spade here. If it weren't for breasts and the desire to look at them, this game would not exist. I mean, I'm not trying to be down on the concept. If anything, it's actually an ingenius idea. Perhaps more videogames should have hooters in the background. [i]Bioshock Infinite[/i] is an alright game, but all that sky and air is boring as heck. So how about we replace the clouds and the other nonsense with some yum-yums? Maybe then it would have deserved all those Game Of The Year awards.
I'm only slightly kidding.
Seriously though, the problem with background mammaries is that they're distracting. They cause people to stop paying attention. Before they know it, they're wondering why their wallet just got a little bit smaller. Staring for too long causes one's IQ to drop to single digits. If you're like me, you probably bought [i]Uncraft World[/i] and then realized "Oh yeah. I hate these freaking rage-inducing platformers."
In this game, you take control of an unholy abomination with a jetpack. Your mission is to avoid traps, grab huge chests, and uncover pictures of barely clothed women. If that doesn't quite get your fire stoked, then you're free to make changes. Thanks to Steam workshop, those pictures can be of whatever you want... Eh... Maybe not WHATEVER you want, you sicko. Anyway, the process of going through levels while collecting hot pix isn't terribly complex. It's pretty goshdamn infuriating though.
What makes a platformer despicable is when it can only be cleared through very specific actions. To put it another way, imagine a game where the carpenter has to stomp on an evil armadillo. Now, let's make it so the armadillo is covered with spikes, except for one tiny spot. Going further, picture the jump itself. It must be done in a very specific and perfect arc. If the carpenter is off by a millimeter, then he is impaled by thousands of spikes inexplicably floating in mid-air. This game is the same way. You must play it to the exact expectations of the developer/level-designer. Any deviation is rewarded with instant death, and a swift kick back to the last checkpoint.
The only time these games are entertaining is when you get to watch somebody else suffer through them. I'll gladly admit to being a masochist. I like the 2D shmups where millions of bullets fall like neon pink raindrops. Still, even I have my limits. Spending several minutes to an hour on one stage, or better yet, one checkpoint? That's some Ninth Circle of Hell garbage right there.
All that said, I stuck with [i]Uncraft World[/i]. The game is solidly put-together. There's a decent amount of content, and the controls aren't too bad either. Sometimes ledges can be a little suspect though. I can recall numerous times where I managed to "slide" off a ledge and into oblivion. Also, the level-designers go overboard on the voxel lava. It's one thing if the floors and walls are hot death, but at least make sure everything is clearly indicated. Even if lava in the foreground is harmless, it's still a really bad idea. It's almost as distracting as... you know.
Admittedly, more often than not I was charmed by the background details. Yes, I'm talking about the other background. One of the stages takes place during a war. There are all these paratroopers and they're getting gunned down or exploded. It's pretty neat stuff. I really could have done without the "rage voice" though. When you die, a random guy yells expletives. He can be turned off, but he still butts in with a "YEAHHHHHHHHHH" as soon as you complete a stage. I don't know about everyone else, but I don't like jerkwads stealing my moment of triumph. I worked hard to look at that picture of jugs, dammit!
To be honest, I think I spent more time on this game than classics like [i]Super Meat Boy[/i]*. If that isn't a winning argument for background knockers, then I don't know what else to say.
*In all fairness, several of those hours were spent idling for those godawful "find the object in space" achievements.
