SuperEpic: The Entertainment War

[b]Playing Superepic is the equivalent of working at an office job - It entices you with benefits and simple atmosphere, but 4 years later, you jump out of a window after realizing you wasted your time and potential dealing with unpaid overtime and figuring out who ate your lunch on Wednesday. The only difference is that Superepic respects you enough to NOT set up suicide nets.[/b] Superepic is a really lame parody of the metroidvania formula. You know how metroidvanias (usually) start out a little iffy and boring, but after you've completed [i]40-55%[/i] of the game they become super fun? In Superepic, you beat the first few bosses, get a few skills under your llama, do some ARGing, the works. Only to realize something Super that isn't Epic at all. [b]This game is [i]horrendous[/i].[/b] 100%ed or not, you won't feel like you've accomplished anything. There's a pretty good reason why this game is basically undocumented. It's the same, no, it's WORSE than doing actual chores after your just-divorced mom yells at you to! Combat can be best told as a fighting game being described by a furry who has only played Animal Crossing. 3 options (4 hit combo, launcher, and ender/spike) You'll only bother using the first 2 unless if you're afraid getting anti-aired. In fact, if you can reach a ceiling, you can basically spam the launcher until the enemies explode. No penalty or scaling either! Special moves are either used for skipping over enemies, get an easy kill/combo starter, or sitting on the bench until you get enough meter to use them. A huge contender for the all of the above is the "Hadoken" you get when you reach the prison. The motion is lenient, yet it's somehow slower than a short bus kid. Plus it causes a hard knockdown, meaning you can only end boss fights and long combos with it. This would only be useful if [u]it was the only special move you can get in the game.[/u] The same can't really be said for the equipment you can get, even though you'll mostly be equipping the ones that net you more damage so that you can forget about this game. How about progression? Metroidvanias usually give you a clue on where to go next, or just straight up tell you. In Superepic, everything is straight forward! The catch, the areas DOUBLE IN SIZE after the first two areas. It's not uncommon to see that in most metroidvanias, but NOT to this extent. There's nothing cool or interesting about them either (except the music, it's catchy). The only unique (and slightly fun) area in the game is the fifth floor, because that's the only area that doesn't have spacious 99x99 rectangles terrorizing your psyche. Of course, depending on what you do also follows the ending (saving all the prisoners, all that jazz)... Except it's a lot better to imagine your own ending as you quit the game and play something like Astalon. Enemies are either basic pigs that ram into you or try to wack you with something, other animals/robots that serve to make your day worse by literally gatekeeping, or flying enemies that'll follow you in your suicide note. It gets WORSE in the roguelite mode. Unlike good roguelite games where you get to the second stage/boss on your first few attempts, you may need to die 10 or so times just to not experience a near-death experience. The characters themselves aren't that memorable, except the breedable ones... who get a grand total of 1-8 minutes of screen time. Only funny thing to note is that the raccoon is actually a cripple. Also, what type of name is Xajoc? Speaking of, Tomtom (Tintin. Tam Tam, Tamlin, I already forgot) doesn't have much for defensive play. He can't repel projectiles, he can't tech in the air, and only has two ([i]dos, ni, zwei[/i]) frames of invincibility. The only get-off-me move he has is a burst attack that's unlocked at the tail end of the game. And it's not even worth it. Christ. Everything about this game is just an afterthought. The story, the mechanics, even the reason to keep on playing is an unpleasant miasma that's gone after an hour or so. As the game says, don't give pigs money. Get their stuff for free instead!