At this point, me [i]complaining[/i] about mediocre [b]Exit 8[/b] clones is as much of a cliché as the bombardment of clones [i]itself[/i]; and while [b]Distorted Hallways[/b] is exactly what I thought it would be, it's missing one key thing: [b]fun.[/b] As bad or weird as the other games might've been, [i]I certainly wasn't bored while playing[/i]; but getting enough review material for [i]this[/i] game felt like [b]homework.[/b] [b]Distorted Hallways[/b] is just doing the most basic definition for everything here; in terms of its location, scares, and the production values in [i]general[/i]. So.. [i]oh no your math test is late but the school is turning all spooky aaaaaa gotta go.[/i]
After his love of the Brady Bunch caused the unexpected and [b]very[/b] tragic death of J. C. Sprinkles in late 2006, the Sprinkle family was in complete [b]shambles[/b]; so much so, in fact, that the other son Logan was taken into foster care; and eventually sent to Japan as an exchange student. And while he thought it was [i]really cool[/i] and “[b]bussin[/b]” for a while, Logan soon found he had an extremely hard time keeping up with his schoolwork; and [i]whenever he gets too stressed[/i], [b]his mind starts playing tricks on him, [i]reliving every moment leading up to his little brother's passing...[/i] [/b] now, if you're wondering, [b]no[/b]. that's NOT the game's story. The game has absolutely [b]no explanation[/b] for any of the events that happen [spoiler](I mean, is it even really necessary?).[/spoiler] All that's important is that [b]you're trapped in a Japanese school building, it is getting [i]very scary[/i], and that you love the Brady Bunch.[/b] The gameplay is identical to the countless [b]Sp0T THe DiFFErEnCe[/b] horror games out there: [b]you're in a constant looping location.[/b] If everything looks normal, [b]keep moving forward[/b]; but if anything, and [i]I mean [b]anything[/b], looks ever so slightly out of the ordinary,[/i] [b]TURN BACK[/b]. Sounds easy enough, right? [i]well, [b]it is[/b] [/i]. Unlike most of the other games of the same genre that just went [b]bigger is better[/b] [spoiler](you're trapped in a three story mansion! memorize every single room and explore each one for clues! every freaking time!)[/spoiler] [b]Distorted Hallways[/b] might actually have the smallest location since the original [b]Exit 8[/b]. [i]It's just a single hallway.[/i] There aren't any extra floors, open classrooms, secret passages, [i]nothing.[/i] Just a relatively normal and empty school hall; and [b]I really do mean empty.[/b] We've got a white-board, a couple of trash cans, a calendar on the wall, [i]aaaannnnnnddddd....[/i] yeah, that's about it. Now, the big fun of Exit 8 style games is finding all the little places the anomalies can hide, following up every [b]“Aha!”[/b] moment with [i]an [b]“Aaaagh!!”[/b] one [/i]; but every difference here [spoiler]-including the ones that aren't meant to be scary-[/spoiler] [b]are really kind of obvious.[/b] There are really only so many ways you can change one poster; and [i]even with the limited props[/i], the white-board is oddly [b]very underutilized[/b]. As for the scares, [b]HA! [i]HA HA![/i] [/b] Buddy, [i]do you think zombies are scary?[/i] If you play this game, [b]you'd better[/b]; as half the scares are just very generic zombies teleporting in front of your face. [b]They don't even scream or say anything. [i]Laryngitis zombies![/i] [/b] Anyway, [i]that's basically it[/i]. Something's wrong at school! [spoiler]It's either a missing protractor or a dead body![/spoiler] [b]Spot the difference!![/b]
I realize that this was probably made by like [i]one guy[/i] on Unreal Engine, but [b]Distorted Hallways[/b] [i]leaves [b]a lot[/b] to be desired.[/i] While definitely not the biggest offender, [b]every single asset looks like it came free off the Unreal store.[/b] They look [i]fine[/i], I suppose; but it's all just the utterly generic [b]hyper-realistic-but- actually-not-really[/b] kinda look that every other video game has now. Even if you don't care about that, the game just looks [i]dull[/i]. The colors look muted and washed out; every texture looks way too clean, and you're going to see [i]the same chair and trash can like fifty times.[/i] [spoiler](heck, you're going to see everything like fifty times. that's the whole point of these games; but they use the same chairs and garbage in the default layout repeatedly).[/spoiler] Plus, the fact that the school takes place in Japan adds practically [b]nothing[/b] to the experience [spoiler](this sign has Japanese text over the primarily English message. whoop-dee-doo!)[/spoiler] And the scares are just [b]comedy gold.[/b] There are a few good ones, I'll give them that [spoiler](the courtyard's fountain spewing blood everywhere was admittedly pretty cool),[/spoiler] but [i]how did you THINK I was going to react when [b]there's a smiling zombie hanging behind the door?[/b] [/i] Or when like [b]fifteen of those same smiling zombies are hanging on the courtyard tree?[/b] [spoiler]….wow, this guy is really getting his money's worth from that one zombie model.[/spoiler] And like, obvious jumpscares are [b]fine[/b]; every game like this has them; but [i]what if you tried something a bit more subtle?[/i] You've got all this open space out the window looking into the courtyard, and [i]while you [b]do[/b] use it[/i], what if you tried using it a [b]slightly different way?[/b] like, you know what would've been [b]really creepy?[/b] [i]what if[/i] there was just a dude in dark clothing sitting on a bench, [i]staring at you?[/i] Not a zombie dude or [i]anything like that, [b]just a mysterious guy sitting outside in the dark watching you through the window.[/b] [/i] And if you wait long enough, [i]he walks away and [b]goes inside the building.[/b] [/i] I say without exaggeration, I think that would've been [b]a hundred times scarier[/b] than [i]any random zombie[/i] showing up. Of course, this game would've been so much better[i] if things actually[/i] [b]moved[/b]. For whatever reason, [i]everything is completely static[/i]; not even [b]all them happy zombies move a muscle.[/b] And since [i]none of the monsters don't actually move or anything, [b]you can't die[/b]; meaning it's impossible to lose.[/i] The game also has no music or even [b]sound effects.[/b] The whole experience is just [b]dead silent.[/b] [i]No footsteps, no squeaky doors, no noisy clocks[/i], [b]nothing.[/b] not even [b]any generic zombie [i]“blleeaahrrghs”[/i] or anything.[/b] Also, the game runs terribly; with the frame-rate consistently being like [b]fifty below[/b] the [i]promised sixty[/i]. [i]Also[/i] also, my foot got stuck in the door and [b]I couldn't get out. [i]Also[/i] also [/b] also, Logan did [i]not[/i] copy the answers on his geometry quiz, Jimmy is just being a liar head again, [spoiler]Mr. Electric, send him to the principal's office and have him e x p e l l e d . [/spoiler]
[b]Distorted Hallways[/b] might be the lowest effort [b]Exit 8[/b] clone I've ever played. The location is one-note and boring, the scares are incredibly generic, and the game runs [i]so poorly[/i] half the time that it's actually [i]kind of ridiculous[/i]. I honestly had so little to say about the game, that I spent a good chunk of it making up [i]some tragic story involving the Brady Bunch and some kid named [b]Logan Sprinkles[/b] [/i]. Now THAT would be a basis for a [b]killer game![/b] [spoiler]I can practically hear a horror-version of the theme song already...[/spoiler]
