[h1]Teominious's Game Alarm Episode 2: Blitz Breaker.[/h1]
I usually do not give reviews, however, in this case, I thought I was more than justified to issue a heavy warning to any, and everyone whom finds themselves reading this, or wanting to buy/play it for yourself.
If the above, and thumbs down rating were not enough to form the image of my distaste in your mind, and/or send a clear image of the message I'm trying to convey: watch videos of this pile of frustration first, and even if it looks like something you'd enjoy, still err heavily on the side of caution when picking it up.
Obviously, that viewpoint is [b]subjective[/b], but that being said, this game has many, factual, [b]objective[/b] errors to it, that at best frustrate, and at worst, make you (or at least me) wonder what was going through any of those responsible for designing it's heads when that phase was undergoing development.
Playing the demo/prototype of this on Kongregate years before I actually bought it, I quite enjoyed it, and thus added it to my wishlist. Finally getting it, I had a reasonable amount of fun, but only up until the second world. Since I'm a stubborn being whom seemingly doesn't know when to quit, and sees brokenly-frustrating pieces of software as a reason to get all the possible achievements, so the temptation to replay never arises again, I kept pressing on until I reached a level by name of "For Whom the Bell Tolls".
After smashing my head into a wall for several attempts, I finally gave up and neglected it for almost a year. Coming back, I played a bit briefly, shut it down within a minute, and then finally came back to it a few days later after I formulated a strategy while attempting to drift off to sleep that same day.
Alas, my strategy worked, and I was able to push through it, but that only brought light to more issues, and utterly baffling design choices, including what has to be one of the worst ideas in anything I've ever played (I'll get to this later). Before we get into the negatives and I slam this thing so hard that it punches through the floor, I feel like it's my duty, as a reviewer, to give you some positives, as this game definitely has some.
First off, the most subjective thing of all, is that I found the music to be very enjoyable. As well, the Art Style is very charming and complements the soundtrack to a heavy degree. What's more, and again, the opening stages, before any of the glaring flaws can come up, are rather fun, fun enough to have lulled me into the desire, and finally action of buying it. Next, you can unlock a wide variety of character costumes, and some of these are absolutely delightful, with the "bread" skin being my favourite. Last on the list of merits, we have the bosses, which are both incredibly well-designed in my eyes, and fun to fight at that.
As said though, the negatives are not only objective, present, and hard to ignore, but they are not-at-all outweighed by the positives.
First off, it became rapidly apparent to me that pretty much every sprite in the game not only has a square collision box, but said box seemingly extends beyond the bounds of the sprite. The first part of that would be more forgivable if all the hazards were square, but when you get killed by, for instance, touching the air [b]next[/b] to the tip of a spike when trying to ascend underwater via wall ricochets, or hit the platform next to a spike and still randomly die, it becomes glaringly problematic.
Next, we have the fact that the frame rate is either way too low, or you fall way too fast, often seeming like it's outright required to press a button well before it actually looks like you need to, which is to say you can't trust your eyes. In a precision platformer, especially one where your controls are as limited as they are, that is never a good thing.
While on the subject of controls,. (and this is the only complaint that's more nitpick than anything) you can only move by jumping, and dashing until you hit something in the four cardinal directions...yet, the character clearly has legs. Not only that, but using them would be deeply helpful in some stages. I did say it was more a nitpick than anything, but when something that could be used to ease up your time and expand options is present on the character, but non-functional, it makes it feel unnecessarily limiting.
Continuing the subject of mostly nitpicks, as I feel that this instance of demerit surfaces often enough to warrant it being a full complaint, some stages are designed such that you can do absolutely nothing after spawning, but sit there and wait for a hazard to clear. In a game where you zip all around the screen in a flashy manner, this totally breaks the flow of the game, and is super tedious.
Finally, and worst of all, we have the Checkpoints. I know how this sounds:
"What? Is that a typo? How can something that lets you start midway through a stage in a game that's touted as "hard but fair" be anything other than amazing?!"
...but yes; I absolutely did mean checkpoints, and they are (told you I'd get to it) absolutely the worst part about this game, and one of the worst design choices in anything I've ever played.
How can something so good be utterly ruined, and bring this game down to Bloody Trapland (Teominious's Game Alarm Episode 1) levels of inhumanely cheap, senseless and unfair? Instead of, say, being an optional bit of insurance for those whom just want to beat the game, and don't care about achievements, or 100%ing the game (AKA getting your money's worth) or, better yet, exactly as it sounds: a way to not have to do a long, arduous bit of a stage again, they instead do the cheapest, most-artificially frustrating thing I can think of save for deleting your save, and ability to play the game.
It's probably beneficial to mention now, that this game both has optional collectibles, and rewards you with Stars if you're able to beat a level with your always-depleting-but-refillable-with-coins score above a certain value. As well, Purple Squares that unlock Warp Zones, and Green Keys whose use I didn't make it to can be found in certain stages. Half the reason these checkpoints are so incredibly, artificially frustrating is because, as hinted at earlier, you outright [b][i][u]have[/u][/i][/b] to go through them in order to reach the end of the stages they appear in.
While this, at first, seems like a welcome sigh of relief after a lengthy, challenging bit of stage, if you press on and actually beat the stage after dying and respawning at the glowing gate, you don't get the standard notification you cleared a level, or earned a star. Instead, all you get is "checkpoint used" and the next level.
Simply put, going through the unavoidable checkpoint, and not being absolutely perfect in every screen after it, means you can't earn your star, and worse than that, forfeits any and all collectibles you may have gotten within said stage.
What's the point, then? Making completionists waste time and up the already high levels of frustration brought about by the numerous, unfair deaths (that came as no fault of the player), by making them waste time to press restart to throw their progress in the garbage? Also sending the message of "HAHA! All your progress is moot; serves you right for wanting to experience all this game has to offer"?
In a hard, but fair - as the store page announces - "masocore" platformer, this would be cause to drive yourself to satisfying victory via self-improvement, but when little of said failures ever seem like your fault, this is just the icing on the bitter cake of janky timing, invisible, oversized death plains, and wondering if your character's legs could walk over in the time it takes for a saw to ascend, rather than just watching it do so.
Thus, the only thing I was motivated to do after posting, was save myself more headache by continuing to play, and taking an hour to warn others of what they are getting into.
