
BEHOLD THE KICKMEN is a football game made by someone who has no understanding of, or interest in, what is affectionately known as "The Wonderful Game". Start at the bottom of the Big Boring Football Spreadsheet and grind your way up to become the best at the football anyone's ever seen.
Modeled estimate, not a reported figure. How we estimate →
Prices
The United States storefront in every case, so this compares stores and not countries.
About

Stats
All-time low is the lowest price we've recorded for this game since we started tracking it.
Languages: English**languages with full audio support
Sums Steam only; Nintendo publishes no volume signal, so the true total is higher by an unknown amount.
| Store | Price | Audience | Score | Chart | Est. revenue |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
SteamYou are here | $3.99 | 375reviews | 86% | — | $28.4K |
| $3.99 | — | — | — | not modelled |
Matched by title — a reused name can pair the wrong games. * is a critic aggregate. Prices and positions are each store's United States storefront; Epic charts worldwide. Audience and Score too, except Steam's, which is worldwide.
Engagement
Reviews
Themes across 41 recent reviews and how positive each mention is. A keyword signal, not full sentiment analysis.
Reviews
*Behold the Kickmen* *Behold the Kickmen* is a football game made by someone who clearly looked at football once, shrugged, and said, “Yeah, I think I get it.” The result is a chaotic, intentionally wrong sports game that treats the beautiful game like an awkward party game with legs. If *FIFA* is a serious broadcast, *Behold the Kickmen* is a drunk commentator yelling from the couch. Matches are weird, floaty, and unpredictable. Players trip over themselves, passes go nowhere, and goals feel more like happy accidents than skillful plays. That’s the point. The game leans hard into satire with over-the-top commentary and bizarre story moments, making it more about laughing at football than mastering it. Just don’t expect the mechanics to deepen much - once you’ve seen the joke, you’ve mostly seen the game. This is not a competitive sports title. It’s a comedy game that *happens* to involve kicking a ball. Play it in short bursts, preferably when you want something light, silly, and very un-FIFA. ✅ Pros * Genuinely funny if you enjoy absurd, self-aware humor * A refreshing break from hyper-serious sports sims * Easy to pick up zero football knowledge required * Short and cheap, good for quick sessions ❌ Cons * Gameplay gets repetitive fast * Controls feel clumsy by design * No multiplayer, which feels especially odd for a sports game * If the humor doesn’t land, there’s not much left ⭐ Verdict: *Behold the Kickmen* is best for players who want to laugh *at* football, not play it seriously. Think of it as a comedy sketch stretched into a game entertaining, weird, and best enjoyed before the joke wears off.
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Hours played at review time, across 41 reviews with recorded playtime.
positive critical· bar length = how often the theme comes up
in the process of making a game that makes fun of sports games, Size Five accidentally made... a good arcade sports game. it's not exactly soccer -- it's closer to Powerball for the Sega Genesis. but it's addictive, easy to pick up, and as a bonus, it has some incredibly funny writing. A CRIME AGAINST FOOTBALL HAS BEEN COMMITTED. (but it is not this game. which you should play! it's A LOT of fun for $4.)
La premisa parece buena, aparentando un juego de fútbol desenfadado, y el toque de humor de 'no me interesa el fútbol' tiene su aquel, pero tarda poco en volverse tedioso. El gameplay pronto se vuelve repetitivo y no hay alicientes que incentiven el jugar porque sí una vez acabado el modo historia, el cual dura entre 2 y 3 horas. Los únicos añadidos durante el partido son unos relojes que caen por el campo que alargan el tiempo de juego y un 'fuera de juego' que expulsa a un jugador si le pilla con la posesión en la zona roja cuando acaba un limitador de tiempo. Nada más. Siendo un juego centrado en el modo un jugador, como recalca el desarrollador en la descripción del producto, podrían haber pulido mucho más la inteligencia artificial del rival. O no hacen absolutamente nada y se quedan mirando o se ponen en modo Pelé haciendo pases a la velocidad del rayo metiendo goles desde medio campo. No hay punto intermedio. Por su parte, la música es horrorosa y los efectos de sonido son malísimos. He tenido que bajar todo el volumen al mínimo, porque resulta molesto. Por último, señalar que si juegas en modo Big Picture, hay que quitar la compatibilidad de Steam con los mandos o directamente no funcionará el mando en el juego. En definitiva, una completa decepción.
6/10 I don't like soccer games, but apparently the creator of this one either. The controls are easy enough to follow, but what's interesting is the story behind the game play. Overall, I don't see a reason to play it again after completing it, however I don't consider this 5 hours wasted.
Un gioco carino di "calcio". Storia non da Oscar ovviamente, ma piacevole e divertente. Musiche molto belle e un bel passatempo per qualche oretta. Un po' buggato, il controller non veniva mai riconosciuto e dovevo sempre rimapparlo ad ogni avvio del gioco, player avversari che ogni tanto non ti facevano toccare la palla per molto tempo perchè facevano passaggi da un lato all'altro del campo, facendosi pure gol ogni tanto. 6.5/10
This game does the impossible: making football not be the most boring sport ever Game is a bit janky at times, and you can't control everything with a controller for some reason.
[h2]This is just like real football: unbearably stupid.[/h2] If you want to pay £60 to watch me play a match, let me know in the comments. Good game, would recommend.
Aunque muchas veces los controles son malísimos y los rivales te meten un gol con aimbot porque tu portero está cojo (después de unos intentos acabas acostumbrándote, y la verdad, al final acabas humillando al equipo de Pedro, por lo que conseguir todos los logros es fácil), el juego es bastante divertido y gracioso sobre todo en los diálogos absurdos que tiene y lo poco realista que es este fútbol, que es como si el fútbol, el baloncesto, el beisbol y una telenovela hubieran tenido un hijo al que no querían.
Its alright for me tacking was fun but the more i played the less funny it became. Mechanically its a joke both becease its a joke and you need dosh to buy better upgrades to have more power. Dosh £ you can more of it by doing combos tackle , pass , kick and then score to bank your £. With mouse its hard to aim but you can get used to it. The ai takes control of you sometimes.
Humor is pretty good, game itself is okay. Still better than FIFA or EA garbage could ever be.
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