Behold the Kickmen

Some people would say it's the dumbest football game ever made. But I say Behold the Kickmen is the best football game ever made, thanks to it being a parody rather than a simulation, which creates its own identity. Love it!

Behold the Kickmen is an indie sports game that was free on Fanatical in December 2022. According to its own description, it was made by someone with no understanding or interest in football. Yes, the game calls it football, not soccer. As someone who knows nothing about football (and has no interest in it whatsoever) this was obviously exactly the right game for me to try. I think the cartoony art style fits the game, but the music wasn't my taste at all. The dubstep soundtrack in the main menu is rather annoying. The controls seem simple enough, but it's harder than it appears. I struggled whenever the game automatically changed which player I was using. Early on the enemy AI felt overwhelming. You start with limited abilities which makes it even harder. The AI could steal the ball with ease, while my tackles needed perfect alignment to land. Shooting also takes some getting used to; more power means a stronger shot, but too much and your aim goes completely off. My goals mostly felt like accidents, and I missed way more than I scored. Really annoying at times, but I was still having fun. Campaign mode starts you in the bottom league at rank 20. You need to climb the ranks by winning matches. A win moves you up one rank, while a loss sends you down. This means you could end up right where you started. The few dialogue lines and tutorial are pretty funny and give the game some character. Winning matches isn't just about scoring goals; you also need to keep the audience happy. Passing the ball between players builds the audience meter, which earns money for team upgrades. Upgrades to stamina, goalkeeping, and other skills become important as things get harder, especially near the end. The good news is you can adjust both difficulty and match length in the settings.

Really funny game. It's basically a "football" game with a funny story, but the football rules are thrown out of the window and replaced with some absurdity, with circular pitch, offside meaning something entirely different, scoring 2 or 3 pointers if you score from longer distances, and all that funny stuff. You have a team, by winning games you advance to higher leagues, and your goal is to finally beat the best team in the world. You earn money by chaining skills on the pitch to make combos, then scoring a goal to cash in the accumulated value. Between matches you can upgrade your team skills with the earned money. I really recommend it. It's cheap and short (unless you change the number of teams in a league when you start the game), but very entertaining. EDIT. I noticed it only after I completed the game. In the main menu, you can click on the ball icon in the right bottom corner of the screen (above the version number) to change the atmosphere of the game to upbeat music and differently dressed characters. It also adds blood effect when players tackle each other.

Completely worth its price. It is a not-so-serious football game, mostly based on the old FIFA 94 with some wacky upgrades that make it faster and more fun. But I have problems with the game not seeing my controller, and it is a little bit janky to play on keyboard-mouse. Also, it doesn't have any coop. That's a miss oppurtinity. But it is a true hidden gem that is worth discovering!

Nice!

8/10

Aunque muchas veces los controles son malísimos y los rivales te meten un gol con aimbot porque tu portero está cojo (después de unos intentos acabas acostumbrándote, y la verdad, al final acabas humillando al equipo de Pedro, por lo que conseguir todos los logros es fácil), el juego es bastante divertido y gracioso sobre todo en los diálogos absurdos que tiene y lo poco realista que es este fútbol, que es como si el fútbol, el baloncesto, el beisbol y una telenovela hubieran tenido un hijo al que no querían.