Id like to preface this by saying that my name is Jacob, and I am a farmer, so if you dare question my expertise in this subject I will have your neck on a guillotine by sundown.
This game, is possibly the worst ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ I have experience in my entire life. I have a question to the people who made this game. Is my life a joke to you?? Seriously. Because when playing this I dont think I experienced a modicum of payoff or pleasure. In fact, I felt quite the opposite. I think I giggled once at the cow knocking me over into hell. And then immediately got slammed into the pits of hell literally and metaphorically. Another question for the devs, why the hell would you make a platformer with these mechanics? Why have it be entirely momentum based and take away control from me, the main character of the game? Its like as my feet leave the ground, I write my soul off into a deal of fate, praying that the gods of this world will bring me salvation, that is, if there even are any.
I battle, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute, in this stupid, putrid, mockery of a video game. My sword is a futile rod of wretched agony, that does minuscule damage to anyone who goes against it. Am I meant to feel empowered? Enlightened? Or is this another one of your disgusting tactics to appropriate my livelyhood. I take on this sisyphean task because surely it will get better right? Maybe after the fourth ♥♥♥♥♥♥ wipeout-esque obstacle course will there be a little bit of entertainment. But no. I am left begging, screaming in the pits of fire I am hurled into time and time again.
You teach me nothing, I am abandoned in this realm where I must fend for myself or lose my remaining sanity. In most games I would encourage this. Mayhaps, even praise this, for inspiring the player to figure things out on my own, to give them their own sense of freedom. But I don't feel freedom. I feel pain. I am lost in a nest akin to a bird whos mother died in a horrible thunderstorm, I am left questioning, struggling, dying, as I slam my fragile body into the ground, in hopes to fly. It wasnt even until 30 minutes later when I learned I had to make my own checkpoints. A fourth question, who the ♥♥♥♥, makes a game like this, is this an emulator from a ps1 tech demo? I think it must be, some kind of sick joke to you isn't it. Well I am not laughing worm. I am filled with fury, a burning sensation that will not cease until I reach the final destination out of this hellscape. Horrible hitboxes, disgusting textures, god awful controls, is there any good piece of this fecal pie? I think not, no. Now I know not. Now that I have experienced what this "game" has to offer I wonder why god put me on this earth? Was it truly to end up here? Playing your pitiful project? If that is truly the case, then I would have rather been sent to hell in real life. I would pay double, nay triple the price, just to be unaware of this games existence.
As I jump, crawl, inch towards the portal, in the final gauntlet of hell. The stone pillars that the fallen angel himself created, I scream, slam, gnaw at the bars of my prison. But even still, maybe I think, maybe I see a glimmer in the distance, a single, shining ray of hope After all, I still have the ending to reach, my wonderful pasture that you couldn't even get right, since I farm corn instead of carrots, but I digress. My cow is waiting for me. My home. My field. Once I beat this devil, once I beat this game, I can achieve true bliss, the payoff I have been fighting for. But no... at the end of it all, there is this slender, revolting figure, towering over me. Instead of a bossfight worth my time. He slams his fists down erratically, as if you didnt even try to make this worth anyones time. One hit, is all it takes for him to rotate 90 degrees robotically due to it being babies first unreal engine animation. And just like that I awake, as if none of it ever happened, and another pisspoor, reused animation plays out, of me and my cow, which I cant even milk. It all happens so fast, and even faster, are my controls taken away, as the words "THE END" take up half of my screen and the game is closed. I am left in this dark room, emotionless, a husk of a man, a lesser version of what I once was.
So I have to ask one final question. Was that the point? Was this entire game some bohemian experiment? Meant to replicate the suffering we will face at the end of our time? I wonder whats left for me after its all said and done. After I take my last breath is this what awaits me? Is this our fate? Have my sins truly outweighed my good deeds? I know this, if I truly will be condemned to hell I will meet you down there with me.
I despise you, everything you stand for sickens me to my core. Once you and I meet in those flaming pits of damnation, I will be there to facilitate your suffering.
