Zyphoid

This is the second worst functional game I have ever seen on steam, beaten only by Chili the Chipmunk Pinball Adventure from this same dev. But that was cancelled and is listed for free, so it's a quick 5 minute "oh my god why" kind of thing that harms no one. Go play it and you'll understand why it's the worst game I've ever played. But no, this one's asking for money for some reason, so it gets the review. A warning to anyone who lands here in the future. Everyone that watched the recent GDQ awful block knows Sword of the Black Stone now, also from this dev. Everyone knows it's bad, and it's kind of endearingly bad, at least until you get to the impossible platforming. I played two enitre hours of it, and it was entertaining kinds of bad up to that point where it became impossible. I'm surprised more people didn't buy it for a laugh after GDQ, but then again, it's still a bad game, and there are better ones to spend money on. Still, I could understand someone doing so. Not here. And I will now tell you why. I often make very public complaints when a game doesn't have keybindings. I'm left handed, and most games that don't have keybindings are made with right handedness in mind. But on most games, the keys they chose make sense. It just takes a little getting used to. So what could this game have done to royally screw up an FPS on PC? What keys did they bind to? Zero of them. There are zero keys bound to. This is controller only. No mouselook, no keyboard movement. Only a gamepad. WAIT DON'T LEAVE YET THIS ISN'T JUST A GAMEPAD GRIPE IT'S WORSE THAN THAT SKIP THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH I PROMISE YOU Unity is where all of these games were made, and the default tutorial for making an FPS has mouse and keyboard controls already there. You learn how to make this exact kind of game, messing with gravity, changing variables, with amazing controls baked into it. You have to go so far out of your way to screw that up that it's mind boggling. Even if I wanted to understand not having keybinding options, which I don't because it takes no time at all to implement, I can't possibly fathom how not having M&K controls could ever happen unless merely having a gamepad plugged in at all was making them not work, or this dev is trying their hardest to make the worst game possible - a theory that you may agree with as soon as I tell you why it's even worse than you think it might be. "I play FPS games on console, gamepad controls are fine with me." Well okay yes but when was the last time you played one where the fire button was A? A. A fires. Not a trigger? No, A. The triggers do nothing. You move with left stick, look with right stick, and are expected to do that while also somehow shooting with A. B turns you into a morph ball, A shoots, Y of all things is jump. How do you look around and shoot at the same time, move your left thumb over? How do you move then? Are you a crab? If not, you're about to be. The only saving factor is there's practically nothing to shoot, so it doesn't matter that much I guess. Just FYI, you can't change the keybindings for the controller, either. This is the console equivalent of being left handed and getting right handed keyboard layouts you can't change, and a beautiful example of why keybindings should be the first thing anyone ever makes when they start creating a game. A single day of code could save millions from a fate worse than death. I'd refund it, but it was a gift. I know a guy who loves gifting the worst games he knows, and now countless more people will end up infected with this due to my unfortunate discovery. TL;DR: Don't