Hey kiddo, Handsome Jack here... and I just played Wolfenstein: The New Order, and wow. Apparently somebody looked at an alternate history where the Nazis won World War II and thought, “You know what this nightmare needs? One extremely angry American man with a shotgun.” And honestly? Excellent solution.
You play as B.J. Blazkowicz, a man whose entire personality can basically be summarized as, “I have seen some things, and now I'm going to shoot Nazis until the universe apologizes.” And I respect that. No endless philosophical debates. No committee meetings. No corporate retreats. Just B.J. waking up from a fourteen-year coma and immediately asking, “Where are the Nazis?”
And unfortunately for them, they're still around.
The shooting is fantastic. You can dual-wield guns, sneak around when you feel like pretending to be tactical, throw grenades, stab people, and generally turn every room into a very unpleasant workplace. There's something deeply satisfying about walking into a room full of heavily armed Nazis and thinking, “Well, this is going to be their problem in about six seconds.”
Then the game gets emotional.
Excuse me?
I came here to shoot Nazis.
Why am I suddenly attached to these characters?
Why is B.J. having an existential crisis?
Why am I sitting here staring at the screen thinking about mortality and the human condition?
STOP THAT.
I WANT TO SHOOT ROBOTS.
And speaking of robots, the Nazis apparently decided regular soldiers weren't enough, so naturally they built giant mechanical murder machines. Because when you're already committing horrific crimes against humanity, apparently the next logical step is adding lasers.
The story is surprisingly good too. It's dark, violent, weirdly funny, and occasionally hits you with moments that you absolutely weren't prepared for. B.J. isn't just some unstoppable action hero. He's a guy who's been through hell, and somehow that makes all the ridiculous violence feel even more satisfying.
And the world itself is fantastic. Alternate-history Nazi technology, giant machines, moon bases, insane weapons, terrifying enemies, and enough over-the-top nonsense to make you wonder how anyone in this universe gets through a normal Tuesday.
10/10, kiddo. Incredible shooting, fantastic story, memorable characters, and enough Nazi murder to make even the most aggressive HR department nervous.
I'd give it an 11, but apparently I'm not allowed to personally pilot the giant Nazi robot.
Which is unfortunate.
Because I have excellent credentials.
