[h1][i]“Basically, run.”[/i]
~The Doctor[/h1]
*SIGH* OK, let's start by looking at the screenshots. What do we see here? Yep. [b]Eternal Edge[/b] is an obvious [b]Zelda[/b] rip-off with its super-deformed (chibi) design coming directly from the [b]Nintendo DS[/b] remakes of the early [b]Final Fantasy[/b] titles. Even the logo here is an obvious [b]Final Fantasy[/b] rip-off, so... yeah. Do I have a problem with that? Kinda, yeah. I mean, this here is an indie game. Means that its makers were free to express themselves any way they wanted. Yet they've decided to mindlessly copy things from popular AAA titles instead. Yes, it's pathetic. But at the exact same time... I mean, come on. We all want something like this sometimes. Not a rip-off, of course, since nobody in their right mind wants [b]Sense of Right Alliance[/b] instead of the latest [b]Hasbro[/b] set, but a cute, casual game with, like, zero ambition. Something that lets you lean back and relax. That's exactly what [b]Eternal Edge[/b] promised. But instead, it “kicked me in the bollocks and spat on me when I was down” like a [b]John[/b] f*cking [b]Constantine[/b]. So... let's talk 'bout [i]that[/i].
Like I said, [b]Eternal Edge[/b] is an obvious [b]Zelda[/b] rip-off. [b]Breath of the Wild[/b], to be precise. The palette, the grinding, the campfires, and even the main character's haircut are taken directly from there. The biggest differences are that everything here is overly simplified (like, we only have a very few crafting ingredients to collect) [i]and[/i] that those copy-pasted dungeons around the world are done in the old-school way. [b]The Legend of Zelda[/b] series underwent two major changes so far – during the [b]Nintendo 64[/b] era ([b]Ocarina of Time[/b], [b]Majora's Mask[/b]) and during the [b]Wii U[/b] / [b]Switch[/b] times ([b]Breath of the Wild[/b]). And while [b]Breath of the Wild[/b] decided to abandon the old dungeon concept entirely (up to the point where we were free to go straight to the final boss), [b]Eternal Edge[/b] decided... to bring those back.
Which was actually a pretty interesting idea. See, [b]Breath of the Wild[/b] was the first [b]Zelda[/b] with a generational problem. While [b]Ocarina of Time[/b] felt like a natural transition from 2D to 3D, [b]BotW[/b] was more like an entirely new thing for an entirely different kind of people. With dungeons being pretty much just a way to “level up.” Kids loved [b]Breath of the Wild[/b], while some old geezers (like yours truly, for example) felt like almost everything that made them fall in love with the series originally was gone. Now, [b]Eternal Edge[/b]? It kinda tries to please everybody. The overworld here is done in the [b]Breath of the Wild[/b] way (we grind for stuff and craft gear / ammo / items with it), while the dungeons are an obvious throwback to classic 2D [b]Zelda[/b] (devs even threw in some sort of a nod to pixelated visuals for some reason). Which, again, was an interesting idea. So... what's the problem?
The problem is that this game is terribly made and barely works, OK? You may actually forget about literally everything I said above. This here is a broken mess. It's that simple. [b]Eternal Edge[/b] is a game, in which you can: walk through the mountains, fall down because your character didn't feel like grabbing the ledge, get stuck in the steps and do lots of other “exciting” things. That's what this game is all about. The worst enemy here isn't the monsters; it's the quality.
It's almost like we're playing not a proper commercial product that costs $14.99, but one of them rough prototypes with the unfinished assets and unstable code. And before you'll ask, yes, this game can and will crash. Sometimes at the worst time possible (you can only save in a very specific places here). But what's killing me the most is that you can literally go to the edge of the map and go through the mountain there. Go. Through. The. Bloody. [i]Mountain[/i]. Like it's a normal thing. Like... [i]what?[/i] Also, some models won't load properly (there was that one time when I needed to enter a house that didn't load properly and had its furniture simply flying in the air, laughing at me); there's that bug thanks to which quest items won't be removed from your inventory (since you can't even drop things in this game, it can lead to some really “funny” results), etc. [b]Eternal Edge[/b] feels like something that wasn't supposed to be played by the general public. Like one of them early concepts.
And it's not just the core mechanics that feel that way. Unfortunately to us all, the quests are like that, too. Unlike [b]Breath of the Wild[/b], we can't just go to the final boss and kick his skeleton ass (yes, the whole story here is a sleeping wife and a [b]Skeleton King[/b] here; there's some sort of a twist at the end, which the devs thought was deep, but it actually isn't); we're supposed to do a series of “main” quests first. That's right; even though at the beginning of the game we'll be given a task to collect four orbs, with quest markers that show us specific locations (talking 'bout quality, you can't even zoom the map here, while the “pillars of light” that mark the locations in the overworld are so terribly made that it's hard to tell what color they actually are), we can't go there. It's like the game tells us to go to Mordor, marks it on our (crappy) map, and then tells us, “No-no-no! One does not simply...” You know how it goes.
Anyway, the quests. The quests in [b]Eternal Edge[/b] are a whole different kind of torture. The thing is – there's no real way to know where exactly to go and what exactly to do. Don't get me wrong, there's gonna be markers, and it's quite easy to tell the main quest from the optional objective, but the thing is... this game lies. Like, sometimes you'll need to do some random-looking optional objective before you'll be allowed to progress in the main plotline. And sometimes, even when the goal is obvious, the actual execution is confusing as F. Here's an example – some dude sent me to the blacksmith in order to have him craft me some crest. The blacksmith's there, all right, but he refused to talk to me. Why? Because, [i]obviously[/i], I'm supposed to meet with his wife first (quite an easy thing to guess, right?). Where is that... charming young lady located? Go figure. No proper descriptions, no proper journal, nothing. Just a big f*ck you in the face. Ah, and since nobody really cared about this game, don't expect any guides. You decide to step into this madness – you're on your own. And it feels [i]exactly[/i] as confusing as playing [b]Castlevania II[/b] on the [b]NES[/b] back in [b]1988[/b]. Alone. In your dark bedroom. F*ck. Dat. Sh*t. They've sure nailed the retro feeling here, just not the one they wanted to.
That's the [b]Eternal Edge[/b] for you. [i]Oh, oh, wait![/i] Not [b]Eternal Edge[/b], [b]Eternal Edge[/b] [i]plus![/i] Because this here is a new, revamped version of the game! A “Definitive Edition,” if you want! Obviously, they've fixed all the problems above and the game's fully playable now, right? [i]Right?[/i] Nope~ The version I've suffered through was actually a “Plus” version. Can only imagine how “fun” the “Minus” one was.
Anyway, despite being exactly what I wanted on paper, in reality, [b]Eternal Edge[/b] is, like, the exact opposite. It was supposed to be cute, casual, and relaxing. Yet it ended up being rough, confusing, and half-broken. [b]Vampire Hunters[/b] (A.K.A. [b]Vampire World: Port of Death[/b]), [b]Etrom[/b], [b]Mistmare[/b], and, of course, “the love of my life,” [b]Borderzone[/b]. [b]Eternal Edge[/b] is a part of that club. And if you've ever played at least one of those... fine... pieces... of... em... [i]code[/i], you know that the only right thing to do here is to stop reading and start running. I'm the Doctor, by the way... [i]Run for your life![/i]
