[h1]YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, ALIEN PARASITES! (A LUNAR SCI-FI TRAGEDY)[/h1]
INT. LUNAR LABORATORY - NIGHT (OR DAY, WHO KNOWS, IT’S SPACE)
The observation deck is bathed in a pristine, neon-lit retro-futuristic glow. Low gravity makes every step feel floaty and surreal. In the background, an ABSOLUTE BANGER of a late-90s synth track is blasting—pure GoldenEye 007 and TimeSplitters energy. High-tempo basslines, brassy electronic hits, top-tier atmosphere.
TOMMY WISEAU stands in the center of the bio-containment corridor. He is wearing a sleek exo-suit with at least three utility belts strapped around his waist for no clear reason. He holds a heavy futuristic plasma-torch flashlight, clicking it on and off furiously.
TOMMY
(Gritting teeth, clicking flashlight)
Click. Click. Click. WHY?! Why do I have this tactical photon beam?! THERE IS NO DARKNESS HERE! Everything is illuminated! The orbital facility is lit up like a Christmas tree! It does nothing! IT IS A JOKE! Who designed this hardware, huh?!
(Tommy shines the useless beam directly onto THREE GIANT GLASS STASIS CHAMBERS aligned against the titanium bulkhead. Inside each pressure-sealed tube, a terrifying, grotesque EXTRATERRESTRIAL SPECIMEN floats in bubbling, bio-luminescent green fluid.)
TOMMY
(Approaching the middle stasis chamber, pressing his forehead against the reinforced glass)
Oh, hi xenomorphs! Look at you! Three big, beautiful, creepy biological anomalies sitting in cryogenic containment! Look at this art style! Sleek retro, 2000s nostalgia! It feels like Jet Force Gemini! It feels like Metal Arms: Glitch in the System! I love it! I look at these bio-tubes and I think, "Wow, Tommy, this quantum loop is going to be crazy!"
(Tommy leans in, staring intensely into the creature's cold, compound alien eyes.)
TOMMY
Mutate! Break the reinforced glass! Teleport! Float upside down! Initiate an alien infection protocol! DO SOMETHING!
(Silence. The extraterrestrial organisms just float motionless in the mutagenic goo.)
TOMMY
(Growing increasingly frantic)
I cycle through the airlock loop after loop after loop! I stare at your ugly green extraterrestrial faces for twenty minutes! NOT EVEN ONCE DO YOU RUPTURE CONTAINMENT! NO BIOLOGICAL ANOMALY! EVER! WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN THIS LUNAR STATION IF YOU DO NOTHING?! YOU ARE JUST STANDING THERE IN FLUID JARS LIKE SPACE PICKLES! What a disappointment! You have giant galaxy-destroying monsters right in front of my face, looking like the coolest assets in the entire sector, and the game completely ignores you!
(Suddenly, DENNY floats by on an anti-gravity scooter, holding an old leather football.)
DENNY
Hey Tommy! Forget the anomalies! Let’s toss the football around in zero-G! Come on, three points!
(Denny throws the football toward Mark. Because of the low gravity, the ball floats painfully slow through the air in a ridiculous, endless arc.)
MARK
(Floating awkwardly upwards, reaching out in slow motion)
I got it! I got it! Oh man, I missed it! It’s floating toward the airlock!
LISA
(Sighing dramatically in her space-jumpsuit, trying to kick the floating ball)
This is so boring! You guys can't even play football in low gravity! I don't love you anymore, Tommy! I'm going to go inspect the quantum drive with Mark while the football drifts into deep space!
TOMMY
(Watching the football drift past his face at two miles per hour)
WHAT IS THIS?! YOU CAN'T EVEN TOSS A FOOTBALL HERE! IT FLOATS AWAY FOR TEN MINUTES! EVERYTHING IN THIS STATION IS BROKEN! NOT NOW, DENNY! NOT NOW, LISA! DON'T TOUCH MARK!
(The synth music swells with aggressive, spy-thriller intensity. Tommy starts pacing back and forth across the metallic deck, clutching his helmet in sheer agony.)
TOMMY
I love this music! HA HA HA! The soundtrack make me want to dance! The art style is gorgeous! The atmosphere is an absolute masterpiece! I want to complete this extraction mission so much! BUT THE QUANTUM ANOMALIES?! THIS IS NONSENSE!
(Tommy turns toward the ceiling, shouting at the invisible developers.)
TOMMY
I DID NOT MISS THE CONTAMINATION! IT’S NOT TRUE! IT’S B.S.! I DID NOT MISS THE ANOMALY! ...Oh, hi Mark.
MARK
(Still drifting near the ceiling after attempting to catch the football)
Hey Tommy. What’s going on? Did you check the cosmic nebula outside the viewport?
TOMMY
(Throwing his arms up wildly)
YES, I CHECKED THE VIEWPORT, MARK! The giant starship outside is still orbiting in deep space! It didn't vanish into a wormhole! So I look at the laboratory! I scrutinize! I break my eyes staring at every inch of sub-atomic geometry! Everything looks baseline normal! So I retrieve the alien sample—AND THE SHIP'S AI SCREAMS AT ME! "SAMPLE CONTAMINATED! POWER RESERVES DEPLETED!"
(Tommy drops to his knees in low gravity, floating slightly before landing hard on the steel grating.)
TOMMY
WHAT?! WHY?! Because a microscopic indicator LED on the quantum computer flashed one time from light blue to slightly lighter blue?! ARE YOU CRAZY?! YOU MUST BE CRAZY, MISTWAY! You lie to me, game! Half my correct extractions are pure luck! PURE LUCK! And then the exact same temporal anomaly spawns three loops in a row! THREE TIMES! It makes me think I'm suffering from deep-space psychosis!
MARK
Did you read the datapad on how to overcharge the auxiliary battery cell for that achievement? Or adjust your HUD controls in the flight deck menu?
TOMMY
(Standing up, turning completely red with rage)
WHAT DATAPAD, MARK?! THERE IS NO TUTORIAL! Zero information! The Steam store page tells me NOTHING! No flight systems menu, no visual calibration settings, no control remapping—I cannot even rebind my thruster keys! How do I recharge my life support power?! I don't know! How do I extract twenty contaminated cores when the mission profile demands ten?! GAME DOESN'T TELL ME!
(PETER THE PSYCHOLOGIST stumbles out of an escape pod, getting hit in the face by the slow-floating football.)
PETER
As a licensed orbital psychologist, getting hit by a slow-motion football while handling these invisible pixel shifts is causing severe collective psychological trauma! I'm leaving the station!
(Peter jumps straight into an emergency pod and ejects himself into deep space without closing the hatch properly.)
TOMMY
(Aggressively kicking a magnetic storage crate, which slowly drifts away toward the airlock in low gravity)
Let him go! Nobody understands this lab! I put so much love into analyzing this facility because the soundtrack makes me feel like an intergalactic super spy, but the micro-pixel hull anomalies are killing me! I give you my oxygen, and you drain my suit power for nothing!
DENNY
(Floating past upside down, eating space-nuts directly from the vacuum bag)
Hey Tommy, if I spot an anomaly, can I keep one of the alien jars in my bedroom?!
TOMMY
(Glaring at Denny while slowly floating three inches off the floor)
NO, DENNY! YOU CANNOT KEEP A SPACE PICKLE! YOU LIVE IN THE DECONTAMINATION AIRLOCK!
LISA
(Looking at her holographic watch)
My mother says you're a terrible astronaut, Tommy!
TOMMY
(Slapping his own space-helmet dramatically)
YOUR MOTHER IS WRONG, LISA! I AM THE BEST ASTRONAUT IN THIS SECTOR, BUT THIS GAME IS A LUNAR DISASTER!
MARK
(Accidentally hitting his head on a wall panel)
Anyway, how is your sex life in zero gravity, Tommy?
TOMMY
(Screaming into the ceiling ventilation shaft)
DON'T ASK ME THAT, MARK! I AM TRYING TO FIND A SINGLE FLICKERING LIGHT IN A THOUSAND ROOMS!
(Tommy points dramatically at the three motionless alien specimens in their glass tubes, then at the glowing sample pedestal, and finally straight at the screen.)
TOMMY
I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! EVERYBODY BETRAY ME! I’M FED UP WITH THIS LUNAR STATION! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, ALIEN PARASITES! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, MISTWAY!
(Tommy throws his plasma torch onto the deck floor. It bounces silently in zero-G while the football slowly drifts past the glass tubes. The epic 2000s synth music swells to a dramatic climax.)
END
