OK lets get into this.
soyboi: In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called caveman alive. I made it perfectly clear: DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME. But from what I understand... people have played it! They didn't listen. But it wasn't their fault... I only showed about one minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn't do any good...
(The soyboi drinks some Rolling Rock.)
soyboi: I called it a piece of ♥♥♥♥. I called it an awful pile of steaming goat ♥♥♥♥. But that was honoring it. I could've said anything, it wouldn't have mattered. I could've taken a ♥♥♥♥ on it, but my own ♥♥♥♥ would have been offended to lay on this loathsome piece of FILTH! Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold!
soyboi: I curse the day I ever laid eyes on it. I curse the plastic that holds this abomination. My words are insufficient in describing the total insult to humanity that this "game" has provided! Everything that I've ever said and anything that anybody else has ever said is NOT enough! It MUST be shown. (He drinks more Rolling Rock.)
(He takes the fake toast piece out of the Nintoaster and starts to insert the "Caveman alive" cartridge into the console, but he stops.)
soyboi: What's up with the guy on the cover anyway? He looks more like Two-Face. (Shows the front of the NES cartridge.) Y'know, I wonder where this guy is today. Did he even realize the magnitude of what he's taken part in? He's the one who made me wanna play this game. (Zoom in on the person on the cartridge.) He meets your eyes with this hypnotic gaze, luring you in, thinking that you're gonna play somethin' cool. But really, you've just been fooled. Like biting into chocolate-covered ♥♥♥♥.
(He resumes putting in the game, but stops again.)
soyboi: You know this game was made by Toho? The same company that made the Godzilla films? No wonder Godzilla's been extra pissed off lately...
(The soyboi pulls back from putting in the cart again.)
soyboi You know that the proper pronunciation is cave-man? That's what the author of the novel insisted, Robert Louis Stevenson. But only the first sound movie got it right, which was the one starring Fredric March. And every movie since then said cav-man, and nowadays that's kinda... (sighs) I know. I'm only delaying the inevitable.
(He sighs, then pulls the cart back yet again.)
soyboi: Y'know, puppy dogs in France in 1951 had a... (Grunts with frustration) UGGHH! Alright. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, let's do this...
(The soyboi is reluctant at first, but, with shaky hands, he finally puts the game in. He turns the game on, thunder crashing and lightning flashing ominously. He drinks more Rolling Rock, but changes his mind. The soyboi switches to a large glass decanter filled with what appears to be tequila. He considers using a shot glass, but then tosses it over his shoulder, downing it straight from the bottle. The hand reaches up to the "Start" option, and the Nerd is about to press Start, but then he stops and notices the music)
soyboi: Wait a minute... That music.
(a clip from "Rygar" is shown)
soyboi: Okay, you ever play Rygar? Y'know, that action-adventure game? Well, listen to this.
(A clip of the music from "Rygar" plays and it sounds very similar to "caveman alive.")
soyboi: Sounds familiar, right? Yeah, alright. Let's play some caveman alive. Oh, God.
(He plays the game, turns from caveman alive, gets struck by lightning, drops dead in his tracks, and gets "Game Over." The soyboi is horrified and speechless as he sinks down onto the ground from the futon. He drinks more of the tequila from the decanter.)
The soyboi: Here's the deal. If ya die as caveman, you turn into alive. Die as alive, the game's over. There's two ways to die as alive. Number 1: The traditional way: Getting hit too many times. Number 2: Getting as far as caveman. Yeah, you know whenever lightning strikes and you drop dead in your tracks for no apparent reason? Well, that's the reason. You got too far.
The soyboi: You see, when you're playing as alive, you're actually playing the same stage that you played as caveman, but in reverse. So, if you reach the same spot where you died as caveman... as alive, then... you die as alive. Wrap your head around that! (He drinks more tequila.)
Actually this game rocks my socks off
