Growing up, I’ve always felt [i]different.[/i] I’ve had a hard time paying attention in school, I had trouble connecting with other people, and it’s been an absolute [i]nightmare[/i] trying to keep a steady job. I just don’t feel like I belong, sometimes; like, [i]no one understands me.[/i] Now, I’m currently writing this in solitary confinement, due to [i]shall we say[/i] a little misunderstanding; and it’s really given me a lot of time to think about this. So let me tell you that I speak with [i]no hyperbole[/i] that [b]Mayonnaise Simulator is the most beautiful and impactful game I’ve ever played. No media is more important to me than [i]this.[/i] [/b]
But [i]I’m getting ahead of myself.[/i] Let’s start from the beginning: [b]Mayonnaise Simulator[/b] is a visual novel aimed squarely at adult audiences. [i]The gimmick should be apparent pretty quickly[/i]: all the main characters are sentient, anthropomorphic [b]condiments.[/b] Our protagonist is one [b]Manny Mayonnaise[/b], a seemingly ordinary man trying to get by making a living at a dead end job; his co-worker/secret crush is [b]Katie Ketchup[/b], with that other [i]annoying lady co-worker[/i] named [b]Maggie Mustard[/b]. Manny’s best friend since childhood is [b]Bernard Barbecue[/b]; Manny’s boss who [i]he just cannot stand[/i] is [b]Rick Relish[/b]; and we even have a celebrity cameo of sorts in the form of [b]Chummley Chutney[/b], [i]played by Chummley,[/i] most known for his role as Chummley from [b]Pawn Stars[/b]. and [i]let me just say before I forget[/i], Chummley is great; and I was really surprised at how much he was in the game. [i]I thought he was just going to be like a one off famous guy cameo[/i], but [b]no, [i]he’s actually a full character.[/i] [/b] Anyway, so [b]Mayonnaise Simulator[/b] is one of those narratives with multiple choices, with your actions changing where the story goes, eventually leading you to one of many [b]good[/b] [i]or [b]bad[/b] endings.[/i] The real sense of depth comes when you realize that the branching paths have [i]branching paths of their own[/i]; like if you suck up the courage and confess your feelings to Katie, there’s a chance that -[i]depending on your past choices[/i]- she’ll say no; and even IF she says yes, [i]there’s a chance you might offend her later on[/i] and she’ll break up with you anyway. Now, [i]I didn’t actually go in this next story route myself[/i] as it was a bit too dark for even [i]my[/i] standards, but I saw this streamer guy Hasan playing, and he chose the [b]rampage[/b] route, which switches the game up into an FPS-esque part, where you head to your office and [i]go on a killing spree….[/i] let me tell you, [b]I was [i]shocked.[/i] [/b] Now, you might think that [b]Mayonnaise Simulator[/b] is throwing all these mature topics at the wall just for the sake [i]of having mature topics[/i]; and while I think it’s more a matter of opinion, it is [i]my take[/i] that they handle their heavy material [i]very well.[/i] Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. [i]Getting up in the morning can be hard[/i]. People sometimes [b]suck.[/b] But on the other hand, [i]actions have consequences,[/i] everyone has their own reasons, and [i]keeping everything inside can be harmful.[/i] It’s just like what the Jared Leto Joker said: “[i]Madness is like gravity; it only takes a little push![/i]”. And that’s when the simplicity of the message hit me: [b]we are [i]all[/i] Manny Mayonnaise.[/b] We are [i]all[/i] fighting our own personal battles, and it only takes a single bad day for us to just [i]snap.[/i]
I can’t state just how impressed I am with [b]Mayonnaise Simulator[/b]’s production values, especially since this is a one man team, and [i]his first project[/i], no less. The visuals are incredibly detailed; matching near photo-realistic locations and backgrounds with more [i]animated[/i] looking characters. I think the mixing of accurate bodies and limbs with jars and bottles of condiments was certainly [i]an odd choice[/i] for character direction, but the game makes it work; giving them plenty of expression and letting their personalities shine. Plus, a couple of the designs [i]do make me feel… [b]something.[/b] [/i] To quote Jared Leto again, [b]look at that hunka hunka![/b] Now, it’s up to interpretation, but I [i]personally[/i] think the whole “food people” thing is a metaphor; like, [i]the cast isn’t literally a bunch of walking talking food.[/i] [b]This is how Manny sees himself and his peers.[/b] Think about it; [i]aside from Manny’s group,[/i] everyone else looks like an ordinary Joe. [i]Granted[/i], we don’t actually talk to anyone outside of the main cast, but [i]it’s still a clue regardless.[/i] The “food” visual could be a direct manifestation of how each person feels to Manny; [i]Maggie Mustard being [b]alright[/b] to hang out with others, but being terrible on her own; Rick Relish being overwhelmingly sour and nauseating in large doses,[/i] and Manny himself being [i]thick, fatty[/i], and [b]almost [i]comically pale.[/i] [/b] Despite unconventional designs, the characters all feel like real, compelling people; hurt not at all by some [i]stacked[/i] voice work. Seriously, we’ve got Doug Walker as Rick Relish, Hailey Welch as Maggie Mustard, [b]Christian Bale as [i]Manny Mayonnaise??[/i] [/b] The man is an absolute [b]chameleon[/b] when it comes to acting. [b]And [i]of course,[/i] [/b] Chummley does a phenomenal job; but [i]we already knew he had it in him.[/i] He’s in [b]Pawn Stars.[/b] The music is [i]also[/i] super impressive, both with the powerful [i]yet[/i] surreal orchestral score, and the dozen or so needle drops. The Robbie Williams [b]Come Undone[/b] scene specifically was really well done, with the new rendition matching the themes [i]perfectly[/i] while still sounding awesome in its own right. It really is [i] pure genius [/i]. Doing so much with so little.
I should probably give some context to why I’m writing this in prison. [i]It’s a funny story[/i], see, I was just doing my own thing, playing [b]Mayonnaise Simulator[/b] at the checkout at Walgreens, when I suddenly became aware that the person behind me was watching my screen. He looked at me straight in the eyes, and said [i]without a hint of humor[/i], that what I was watching was [b]slop[/b]. that [i]that[/i] is the reason why ram prices and electricity are so high. that [i]this game of anthropomorphic condiments[/i] is why children in far out countries [i]don’t have good water to drink[/i]. I told him that he was full of crap, and that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about; and he was just like [b]huh I know you are but what am I? [i]looking all smug.[/i] [/b] I couldn’t control myself. [b]I grabbed him, did a little [i]“improvised chiropractic work”[/i], and [i]separated his back from his spine.[/i] [/b] He died pretty much instantly, and it turns out [i]he was some big name philanthropist Youtuber dude or something[/i]. I don’t know. Anyway, I pleaded guilty, the trial lasted only like ten minutes, and I was sentenced to six [i]or so[/i] months in the slammer. This is probably for the best. Gives me time to reflect; and replay [b]Mayonnaise Simulator.[/b]
[b]Mayonnaise Simulator[/b] has awakened something within me. I feel seen. [i]I feel loved. [b]I feel good for the first time in ages.[/b] [/i] [b]I am a changed man.[/b] I always laughed when people said a story or something changed their life, but now [i]I’m a believer.[/i] And the game didn’t take millions of dollars or big triple [u]A[/u] studios to make it; they just had [b]passion.[/b] Good writers, good artists, and good actors; [i]all together.[/i] It all just feels so raw and [i]genuine.[/i] I will never forget this game as long as I live; and now I want to dedicate myself into helping the Manny Mayonnaise [i]in my own life.[/i] You may not know what another person is going through, but you could always be there for them. [b]Thank you, Mayonnaise Simulator.[/b]
