Hey kiddo, Handsome Jack here... and I just played Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, and apparently somebody looked at California and thought, “You know what this needs? More crime, more property damage, and one extremely angry man named CJ who is going to spend the next several hours fixing everyone's problems.” Finally, a protagonist with proper executive potential.
You start as Carl Johnson, come back to Los Santos after your mother's death, and immediately get dragged into gang wars, corrupt cops, drug dealers, betrayals, and whatever other nonsense your family has managed to accumulate while you were gone. Most people would probably take a vacation.
CJ?
He steals a bicycle.
That's initiative, kiddo.
And then the game just keeps escalating. You start with a bike, then cars, then motorcycles, then helicopters, then tanks, and eventually you're apparently running an entire criminal empire. You can buy properties, run businesses, recruit gang members, work out, eat too much food, get tattoos, change your haircut, learn to fly, and generally become whatever kind of criminal businessman you want.
That's not a crime simulator.
That's career development.
And the world is enormous. Los Santos, San Fierro, Las Venturas... you've got cities, deserts, forests, mountains, countryside, casinos, military bases, and approximately seven billion opportunities to accidentally commit vehicular manslaughter.
You can spend hours doing missions.
Or you can ignore the story completely and drive a tank down the highway while listening to the radio.
Honestly, I understand the appeal.
The characters are fantastic too. CJ, Big Smoke, Ryder, Sweet, Woozie, and of course Officer Tenpenny. Everyone has personality, everyone has an agenda, and almost everyone eventually makes your life significantly worse.
And Big Smoke?
Kiddo.
THE ORDER.
I have never seen a man make a fast-food decision with such historical consequences.
Then there's the gameplay. Shooting, driving, flying, swimming, fighting, gambling, racing... the game just keeps adding things. It feels like Rockstar looked at every other open-world game and said, “Put that in too.”
And somehow it works.
Is it perfect? No. Some missions will make you question your sanity. The controls have aged. The vehicle physics occasionally behave like they're being operated by a drunk physicist. And there is one particular train mission that has caused more emotional damage than several actual wars.
But the ambition is incredible.
This isn't just a game about stealing cars.
It's a game about building a character, exploring an enormous world, causing absolute chaos, and somehow turning a man who started with nothing into a legendary criminal.
10/10, kiddo.
Absolute classic.
I'd give it 11, but apparently CJ already has enough money, properties, girlfriends, weapons, cars, and gang members.
He doesn't need my help.
Although I could definitely improve his management structure.
Respect the hustle.
