[h1] Big Bill Hell's Cars Advert Parody:[/h1]
SPLASH YOU, WATER RACERS! 🌊🚫
If you're silly enough to buy this boat racer this weekend, you're a big enough enthusiast to come to this track! 🚤💨
Bad physics! Tracks that wipe you out! Blind corners! 📐💥
If you think you're gonna find a relaxing cruise here, you can kiss my bumper! 🏎️💨
It's our belief that you'll look at the gorgeous, vibrant low-poly art style and fall for this total chaos! Guaranteed! 🎨✨
If you think you found a fair difficulty curve, forget about it! You heard us right, completely forget about it! 🛑📉
Bring your skills, bring your patience, bring your paper boat! The map obstacles will smash it! That's right, they will absolutely wreck your precious little paper boat! 📄🛶🔨
Because on these later maps, you're spun out six ways from Sunday! 🌀📅
Take a hike to the later cups, the home of challenge diving! That's right, challenge diving! 🤿🏅
How does it work? If you can dive beneath a bridge at maximum boost, completely blind, and not hit an immediate concrete wall, you get a podium finish! 🌉🏁
Don't wait, don't delay, don't blink, or you're going right back to the starting line! ⏱️⏳
You can even play as Clippy! That's right, you can pilot a literal sentient 90s office assistant, but it looks like he can't help you write your way out of this frustrating mess! 📎📎📎
And don't look for any item box power-ups to save you, because there are absolutely none! You just sit there in total silence while the loud menu music destroys your eardrums! 🔊🔇
Hurry up, racer! This visual beauty ends the minute you get to the later cups, and your input timing better not lag or your run is completely toast! 🍞🔥
Go back to track one! The "Asian Spring" circuit: gaming's clumsiest, most textbook case of literal orientalism, and exclusive home of the absolute meanest layout hazards in the entire genre! Guaranteed! 🌸👺🏯
[hr]
[h1] The Simpsons Steamed Hams Parody [/h1]
[Maude Flanders rings Captain McAllister's doorbell at the exterior of the lighthouse cottage. At the interior, McAllister kicks the door open with his wooden leg.]
McAllister: Ahoy, Superintendent Maude, welcome! Arrgh! I hope ye're prepared for an unforgettable arcade racing experience on the high seas!
Maude: Well, Captain, I made it, despite your absolute lack of navigational directions.
McAllister: Eh...
[Maude enters. In the trophy room, she sits on a low-poly barrel next to the table and places the polish in an ice bucket. McAllister scurries to the cockpit kitchen, only to find his paper boat model has completely dissolved in the sink, and gasps in absolute horror.]
McAllister: Blisterin' barnacles! Me entry craft is ruined! [Maude's knocking on the kitchen door can be heard as McAllister looks out the window, admiring the gorgeous, bright harbor aesthetic outside] But what if... I were to plunder that low-poly desktop assistant and disguise him as me own custom racer? Yarharhar! Delightfully devilish, Captain.
[McAllister begins to raise the window, untie his captain's coat, and climb through the frame, but Maude enters the kitchen and catches him mid-escape.]
Maude: Uh--!
[Accompanied by a montage of scenes of McAllister admiring the beautiful, high-saturation environments and Maude looking highly judgmental, the theme song to an imaginary sitcom titled "The Captain and the Superintendent" plays:]
McAllister, with his floaty physics explanations.
The superintendent's gonna need her medication.
When she hears the Captain's clunky exaggerations,
There'll be an artificial difficulty spike in town - tonight!
Maude: CAPTAAAAAIINNN!!!
[The scene goes back to the kitchen]
McAllister: Superintendent! Arrgh! I was just... uh... stretchin' me peg legs on the windowsill. Isometric aquatic exercises! Care to join an old sea dog?
[Thick white fog can be seen pouring out of McAllister's oven]
Maude: Why is there thick fog coming out of your oven, Captain? [points to the oven]
McAllister: Uh... oh! That isn't smoke, it's steam! Steam from the "Asian Spring" circuit we're racin' on. [Patting his belly] Mmmm, look at those beautifully stylized cherry blossoms and crisp, colorful vistas!
[Once a highly suspicious Maude leaves the kitchen, McAllister breathes a massive sigh of relief, hops out the window, and sprints across the street to unlock Clippy. The scene cuts to the dining room, where McAllister returns from the kitchen pushing a literal 90s computing office assistant on a silver platter.]
McAllister: Superintendent, I hope ye're ready for mouth-waterin', stunningly designed boat choices! Yar!
Maude: I thought we were racing standard fiberglass speedboats.
McAllister: Oh no, I said 'paper boats'! That's what I call these brilliantly creative, wildly varied little low-poly gliders.
Maude: You call these highly frustrating, instakill-susceptible crafts 'paper boats'?
McAllister: Aye! But look at the wonderful aesthetic choices, matey! Thirty incredible unlockable designs, from hot-rods to custom cruisers! The vibrant, upbeat 2000s arcade vibes are completely top-tier!
Maude: Uh-huh. Eh, and what about the actual track design?
McAllister: Truly spectacular eye candy! Clean, bright visuals that make you feel like you're playing a modernized retro classic!
Maude: I see.
[Maude takes a bite out of a snack, while McAllister sips his seawater drink with his eyes closed.]
Maude: You know, despite the wonderful visuals, this character looks quite similar to the Microsoft Office assistant that used to interrupt my spreadsheet typing.
McAllister: [chuckles] Oh, no! Patented playable Clippy! Old family code asset, by thunder! An absolute masterclass in fun pop-culture easter eggs!
Maude: For a punishing water racer?
McAllister: Aye.
Maude: Yes, and you praise the wonderful feel and lovely atmosphere, despite the fact that the physics are completely flat, the camera glitches out near walls, and the track layout demands flawless trial-and-error memorization. [Opens the game UI menu and exposes the track settings to Maude. Loud, un-mixable menu music blasts at maximum volume from the kitchen]
McAllister: Y- Uh.. ye know, the... One thing I should... Excuse me for one second, lass.
Maude: Of course.
[McAllister enters and leaves the kitchen swiftly upon seeing the entire engine room is now entirely engulfed in flames from a blind obstacle collision]
McAllister: [pretends to yawn] Well, that was wonderful, yar. A completely beautiful visual experience was had by all. I'm pooped from restartin' this track ten times.
Maude: Yes, I should be-- [notices the intense, blinding neon light coming from the burning room] GOOD LORD, WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE?!
McAllister: ...High-saturation neon shaders?
Maude: Uh... HIGH-SATURATION NEON SHADERS?! AT THIS TIME OF YEAR, AT THIS TIME OF DAY, IN THIS PART OF THE DIGITAL LAUNCH, LOCALIZED ENTIRELY WITHIN YOUR KITCHEN?!
McAllister: Aye! Arrgh!
Maude: ...May I see it?
McAllister: ...No, matey.
[They exit the lighthouse cottage as the low-poly engine fire grows larger.]
Helen Lovejoy's Voice from the attic: CAPTAIN!!! THE TRACK IS ENTIRELY UNFAIR AND WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CAMERAS CLIPPING!!!
McAllister: [looking up] No, Helen, it's just the vibrant low-poly rendering!
Maude: Well, Captain, you are an odd fellow, but I must say... despite the absolute mess of blind corners... the visuals and ship choices are a total delight. You steam a good ham. 🤿🏅
[As Maude begins heading home, the engine fire completely engulfs the cottage.]
Helen Lovejoy's Voice: HELP!!! [Maude looks back toward the burning wreck. McAllister gives her a thumbs up and a fake arcade smile, causing Maude to keep walking away.] HEEEELP!!! [Once Maude is out of sight, McAllister rushes back into the glitched map to try and save his save file.]
8 Low poly environments in various environments: Green Lake, Pirate Bay, Italian Canal, Asian Spring, Jungle Temple, Tropical Island, Artic Challenge, Golden Valley. Each environment offers, in very large stages, 3 courses of increasing difficulty. Each course can be played in mirror mode and at various times of the day so as not to tire the player.