FleetCOMM

UPDATE September 2016: The game's development is basically abandoned at this point. A recent Kickstarter update has the developer claim he "lost all his code on launch day" and then took a break to stop being depressed about it for months. Following on from that, he also takes a dump on people wanting refunds and calls people posting on the Steam forums "fake Gamers". The line "Have fun, vandalize the forums, I do not give a ♥♥♥♥" makes his attitude unmistakably clear. I'd also like to point out that, while FleetCOMM is a commercial product being sold on Steam and Kickstarted, to the developer it is nothing more than a hobby ("FleetCOMM is where I have fun") and will only be worked on when he feels like it, if at all. Avoid this clusterfrak. --------------- It is utter garbage made by a megalomaniacal asshat. Just stay away for sanity's sake. Heck, even the menu design is terrible. The first chapter missions are not available to play yet, either. It literally is unfinished while the developer laughs about and bans people asking from the forum. The incomplete state would be one thing if it was sold as an Early Access title, but it isn't. It is a full release that has the bulk of its content arbitrarily gated depending on the whims of the developer. Performance is all over the place, and the game speed seems to be tied to the framerate. One moment you might have 120fps, the next 75, or 60, or even down to 20, all while your GPU spins its fan louder and louder. The framerate also inexplicably drops when you open up the Esc menu. Cool to see 10fps on a static screen. The developer is clearly taking the piss. Avoid.

Game barely starts, which is odd given that it was such a small 306mb download. I thought the fan in my laptop was going to explode when I clicked on "Start Mission" and then when the screen finally shows up, a message appears that says the actual game is delayed until next week. The only "playable" part is a few tutorial missions and you cant even fire lasers in them and it's laggier than a turtle dry-humping a snail. I'm going to have to do a system restore to make sure this hot mess is completely off my harddrive. I think there's a virus included in this game's install file. It's a bit unnerving that Steam is allowing such an obvious fraud to be sold on their marketplace. I'll be flagging this game and requesting a refund. Do NOT buy this game!

First off, this game is unfinished. No where on this page does it inform people that all that's available is a set of tutorial levels with a vague promise of future chapters. A tutorial is not a game. Graphics suck, music is dubstep so it really sucks. Combat is hardly complex, just use the Thor and spam Space bar and Q. The only challenge is spotting enemies since once they appear, the background gets this red distortion stuff which makes the enemy ships difficult to see since they're all red. This sad excuse for a game isn't fun in the slightest and it's nothing but a joke. Just look at the recommended specs. 4 years and $17000 later and all I've got to say is "Where's the game, Slade?"

After 4 years FleetCOMM has done the impossible! Not only did it actually come out, but it managed to be a worse game than Depression Quest. Zoe might have had the help of five guys to finish her game, but at least she completed a game that manages to run. Despite having the specs to run this game, it CTDs (crashes to desktop) on launch every time it's launched. I really wanted to actually be able to play this game to review it, but that’s my fault for expecting a finished product. A journalist might be forced to abandon the review because of the ethical dilemma of reviewing a game they haven’t played; but thankfully I’m a blogger. To continue the review I had to watch a Let’s Play that TheBaconFromHell uploaded to Twitch. The graphics are very bad and when I say it’s bad, what I mean that I’d rather look at Zoe’s Deviant Nation and Broken Dolls pictures. Gameplay revolves around spinning in a circle and using Pink Floyd Laser Light Show beams to give the enemies Grand Mal Seizures until either they die or you stroke out. The sound is arguably the worst part. For whatever reason when you drag a cursor over a menu item it makes the MLG air horn sound. I’ll have to assume that he was trying to make MemeCOMM appeal to the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ demographic because there’s absolutely nothing professional about this game’s release or development. The soundtrack itself is mostly generic synth with a few hilarious standouts. Boreal Sun attempts Synth Hop Dubstep on Fafnir and it’s as hilarious as you’d think it sounds. Garm is a motorcycle engine revving and synth mashed together. I received my Steam Key for free via Groupees and I would say that this game is worth no more than what I paid for it. I would say that the $0.50 Groupees “pre-order” price is going to be the most fair price point for this content. The game as it stands is an unfinished mess. What you receive is a tutorial for a game that knowing the track record will be plagued with delays. The dev team has released no word if the remaining chapters of the game will be free via updates or if they will be paid DLC. It also inexplicably refuses to run for several owners who meet the system requirements. In addition the developer seems to be going on a ban spree out of paranoia of “being ebullied.” So far ban reasons have included such horrible things as asking why the game is late, posting criticism of the game itself, posting screenshots of the game (resulting in content upload bans), banning artwork, etc. For these reasons I can’t recommend this game to anyone who doesn’t possess a masochistic streak.

Every time I tried to run it my Steam crashed and after I logged in again it said I was playing the game even though I couldn't find the .exe running anywhere. AFAIK I'm not the only one with this sort of problem so I don't recommend giving it a try unless you're 100% sure the game has been patched and is going to work.

Alright. FleetCOMM is essentially a somewhat generic top-down space shooter hidden beneath layers of seizure inducing lights and violent alarm noises. I swear to god this thing gave me a headache on the first tutorial level. Speaking of tutorial levels, that's all there is. 8 tutorial levels. The actual first mission is supposed to release on the 30th of May. Expect delays. In all honesty I can't really call this a review: Most of the tutorial remains unplayed. I'd love to play more but my desire for self preservation keeps getting in the way. Lets go ahead and discuss the pros and cons because ♥♥♥♥ it why not Pros: -Movement is ok, feels fairly alright considering you're a space ship floating through space -the combat doesn't make me want to kill myself, thats what the visuals are for -The little logo on the steam page looks pretty cool, I guess Cons: -visually, it's a nightmare. bright, flashing lights that induce headaches -buggy to the finest degree. (my copy contained a bug where every ship model was invisible, forcing me to hold down the radar button in order to play) -the sound, oh god the sound. It still hurts me. When its not blaring poison into your ear it's just generic dubstep In its current state, this game is a health hazard. I strongly recommend you stay away. 2/10 Slade you didn't even finish your game EDIT: YEAH ALSO ITS TEN ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ DOLLARS AT FULL PRICE FOR A T U T O R I A L I HAVE TO ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ EMPHASIZE HOW BEAUTIFUL THAT IS ITS JUST A TUTORIAL NICE 'GAME' YOU GOT HERE, SLADE

This is my review of FleetCOMM: I give this game a full 10/10 because you can make your own formation, The dildo formation is the formation of champions and only can be used when you take 5 Thor spaceships and put 3 together in the middle and 2 half ♥♥♥♥♥♥ on the side of the base using the remaining ships. The graphics are stunning and the music has massive memes and only one thing comes through my mind when flashing colors flash through my eyes... I Can't see ♥♥♥♥. and this is how games should be made and only a true successor to Astroids could accomplish that while shooting enemies you can barely even see. Let's face it this game is the Dark Souls of the Astroids genre and even though you could spam all the weapons at once making the game easy who wants to that? It's about the challenge and about the waves and waves of enemies coming at you until you get tired of it and go to bed. This game is better than any Ace Combat game. Excited for the 1st chapter after playing this tutorial.