Coffee Crisis is a console ported 2D retro pixel arcade brawler/beat 'em up game with a coffee theme, which sends the very clear message to gamers that the developers should not give up their day jobs at Starbucks. That's reinforced by a very weak, buggy, and lacklustre technical implementation in this lazy console port. Hammering the nails in the coffin is the way the developers, after huffing a lot of their own gas, call the game "neo-rogue". Anyone who uses such a term should immediately shut down and destroy their PC and promply depart the gaming industry, because it's over.
Before we get into the usual technical defects, the gameplay itself is also flawed, with very bad lack of polish, clunkiness, bugginess, and so on. One key complaint is the lack of hit-feedback/stun mechanisms. In arcade brawlers, players suffer if they don't pay attention and enemies sneak up on them. To reward players for paying attention, and to make the game playable, enemies will be stunned for a bit after you hit them, but in this game, the developers, because they have been so busy getting my order wrong at Starbucks, did not know about this mechanic, so you'll get massacred pretty fast as soon as you run into enough enemies, no matter how good you might be at real, genuine arcade brawlers.
From a technical perspective, the game doesn't meet basic minimum requirements that most PC gamers expect as standard.
A choice was made to use obsolete, decades old retro pixel "art" as a substitute for contemporary PC graphics. It's unclear if this is due to lack of budget or talent, regardless, the overall visual quality of the game is extremely low as a result.
While there are options to change the resolution for the game, all this does is scale up the simplistic 2D art assets used to make the game, which makes little or no difference to the graphics quality. Without any other substantial graphics tweaks, it's not possible for gamers to improve the lacklustre 2D visuals.
The game features no proper level design or game/story flow/plot, as they opted to try to use samey repetitive procgen algorithms as a substitute for adding such content to the game, to avoid doing the important job of level/map design. As a result, the game doesn't actually have any content worth mentioning, just endless, boring, repetitive, soulless algorithmically generated sameyness. Developers must learn that procedural generation is not an acceptable substitute for content.
Because this is designed for consoles, it carries a number of deliberate design deficiencies. Compromises were made to cater to the inferior console gaming appliances that the game was designed for. These are unfortunate compromises and limitations that PC gamers shouldn't be forced to accept, but it's evident that PC was a second thought for the console-centric developers. The game is deficient as a result of these choices, and would have been so much better without the handicaps that designing games for consoles forces upon a game. Once more, console peasants have made gaming worse for everyone.
These technical defects push this game below acceptable standards for any modern PC game.
Coffee Crisis didn't appeal much to the people who own a copy of the game, either. It has achievements, and they show us a very clear picture that the game didn't really capture any interest from gamers. The most commonly and easily attained achievement is for ACH_CompStage1, trivial to get, but less than 28 percent of players bothered to get that far before uninstalling the game. Hardly a success story, gamers just weren't all that interested in the game.
Coffee Crisis has the almost comically optimistic (if it wasn't so sad) price of $10 USD, for which you could easily get any number of older AAA games. Yeah, this costs more than Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor, the developer clearly thinks this is a better game than that. What a joke. This is also competing with over 9,000 free games available on Steam, many of them far better than this paid product. Given the defects and quality issues with the game, coupled with the unrealistic price, this is impossible to recommend.
This game features a number of suspicious, likely fake positive reviews. The reviews all appear at almost exactly the same time, very shortly after the game launched on Steam, all have a direct Steam purchase of the game, and all have very similar wording and writing style, in Russian or in the same broken English. This is highly unusual given the very low quality of the game and poor player counts. The "Positive" review score on this game should be taken with a large grain of salt. This might be done to deceive and scam gamers into paying for a bad product.
