⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 2,929 HOURS PLAYED (2,900 OF THEM HIDING FROM CHOMPERS)
I bought Plants vs. Zombies Garden Warfare 2 thinking it was a silly little game about plants and zombies.
I was wrong.
This game grabbed me by the soul, threw me into a backyard, handed me a weaponized vegetable, and said “good luck idiot.”
The first day I played I was a normal human being.
The second day I was screaming at a sunflower because she wouldn’t heal me while I was getting chased by a zombie with a bucket on his head.
The third day I was emotionally attached to a cactus and defending a lawn like my mortgage depended on it.
At some point I stopped playing Garden Warfare 2 and started becoming part of the ecosystem.
My friends asked me to hang out.
I told them I couldn’t.
The plants needed me.
They don’t understand.
The progression in this game is a disease.
“One more character.”
“One more sticker pack.”
“One more match.”
“One more legendary hat.”
“Why is it 4 AM and why am I playing as a corn soldier fighting a zombie dentist?”
The soundtrack has permanently damaged my brain. I hear the music in my sleep. I woke up yesterday and tried to revive my family with sunflower powers.
It did not work.
The characters in this game are not characters. They are tiny walking mental problems.
The sunflower is supposed to be a healer but acts like a battlefield medic who has seen things no flower should see.
The chomper is literally a plant that eats people alive and everyone just accepts it like “yeah that’s Dave, he does that.”
The zombies are somehow even worse.
They died, came back, and their grand plan was getting beaten up by vegetables.
Embarrassing.
I have fought:
Angry corn with military training
A cactus having a midlife crisis
A tiny zombie inside a giant robot
A scientist who somehow became a combat medic
A flower that scares me more than actual enemies
I fear none of them.
What I fear is joining a game, seeing a max-rank toxic pea player, and knowing my next 10 minutes are going to be a personal humiliation ceremony.
Every time I think I’m done with this game, it pulls me back in.
“Just one more match.”
That was 600 hours ago.
If Garden Warfare 2 was a person, it would give you a Nerf gun, push you into a warzone, and whisper:
"Don’t worry, the sunflower knows CPR."
10/10
Would get destroyed by a cactus again.
Would like a cactucs again.
I love you, stupid plant war simulator. 🌻
