Oh No! Ninjas! is a free mobile app that's been dumped on Steam as if it was a real PC game (it's not)... it's a cash grab from greedy mobile devs. The game is a basic typing challenge game to improve your iPhone keyboard skills. Ninjas are coming to attack you so you must tap out words on your iPhone keyboard to stop them. That's all there is to it... nothing different than all the other typing games on Steam, but slightly worse because this is designed with mobile phones in mind, not gaming PCs.
From a technical perspective, as a mobile app, this doesn't meet basic minimum requirements that most PC gamers expect as standard.
There's no option to change the resolution and no useful graphics tweaks. There's no way to ensure this is running at the native resolution of your display. There's no guarantee this game will look right on any PC as a result of this hamfisted design decision.
The mobile app features lazy low-polygon "retro" assets, making this look like a barely functional 3D game from the mid 2000s. It's unclear why the developers weren't able to arrange high quality, high polygon count contemporary assets for the mobile app (although the requirement for this to run on low end mobile phones is a factor), and also irrelevant... what matters is that this looks bad as a result of their decisions, a compromise PC gamers shouldn't have to put up with.
Because this is a mobile app, it carries a number of deliberate design deficiencies. Compromises were made to cater to the iPhones that the mobile app was designed for. These are unfortunate handicaps and limitations that PC gamers shouldn't be forced to accept, but it's evident that PC was an afterthought for the iPhone developers who are to blame for this. The mobile app is deficient as a result of these choices, and would have been so much better without the handicaps that designing games for mobile phones forces upon a game. Once more, mobile devs have made gaming worse for everyone. I didn't spend thousands on building a gaming rig just so I could pretend it's an iPhone.
These technical defects push this mobile app below acceptable standards for any modern PC game.
The poor quality of this mobile app is reflected by how many people spent time with it. At the time of this review, SteamDB shows the all-time peak player number was only 6 players. This is a remarkably low number, and now, the only player activity occurs once or twice a month, presumably someone loading it up to see what it is then quickly uninstalling it. Considering there's over 120 million gamers on Steam and well over 50,000 games for gamers to choose from (over 9,000 completely free titles), the overwhelming lack of interest in this low quality mobile app is to be expected.
The mobile app is very badly optimised, despite having extremely low quality assets and visuals, poor production values and no real reason for a high workload on anyone's system, the mobile app runs the GPU up to 100% immediately. While this may seem to be evidence of cryptomining, Valve checks for that prior to allowing a game on Steam through Steam Direct. It's more likely the developer just had no idea what they were doing and didn't do any optimisation. Regardless of the reason, if you don't want your PC getting thrashed needlessly by bad software, you might want to avoid this mobile app.
Once more we see greedy mobile devs trying to scam PC gamers. On Steam, this is $2, on app stores, it's free. Mobile devs must learn PC gamers are not here to be gouged, and can't be expected to pay TWO BUCKS FOR A FREE MOBILE APP just because it's been lazily dumped on Steam. This is unacceptable disrespect for PC gamers. Because this can be played free elsewhere, and because of the other defects, it's impossible to recommend. Who do they think we are?
