[h3][b][i]Bushidō and the way of the libido[/i][/b][/h3]
I'm not just here to give you a review of [i]Lyonesse[/i]. I'm also here to finally answer the age-old question, [b][i]"Is hentai truly cool?"[/i][/b] Many tried, but all the answers boiled down to surface-level drooling over big mommy milkers and 2D busty waifus. Nobody really looked beyond the mountains; nobody took the plunge into the abyss to seek the truth. [b]But I did.[/b] I swam in the deepest pits of perversion and came back bearing the gift of forbidden knowledge. If I get assassinated in the coming days, know I have no regrets—[b]this is for the greater good![/b]
So, here's the gist.
In the olden times, of long ago, Japan had samurai dudes. These were pretty cool dudes with their long swords, bald spots, outlandish outfits, and edgy quotes about life and death. Very cool, indeed. But digging deep through the ancient [i]Wikipedia[/i] scrolls, I was met with a staggering revelation—[b]samurai were quite the horndogs.[/b] And it's due to their libido that they were plagued by a little-known disease—[b]spontaneous combustion.[/b] During battles, they would often cover friend and foe alike with more than just guts. But nobody knew exactly why this was happening, and with samurai being the best warriors in the army, something had to be done.
And it was none other than Minamoto Yoritomo who solved the million koban question.
One night, as Yoritomo was doodling some big tiddies on a piece of [i]washi[/i], a traditional Japanese paper, one lonesome samurai passing by caught a glimpse of his work. In the blink of an eye, the [i]washi[/i] was swept away, with the thief vanishing into the air of the night. Unbeknownst to Yoritomo, he just created the first [i]shunga[/i], basically proto-hentai. The next morning, all his samurai seemed more focused, less angsty and possessed a weird sense of clarity. A hypothesis was formed and put to the test, pitting [b]2D[/b] against [b]3D women.[/b] The results were shocking. For some reason, the samurai found [b]3D women uncool (-)[/b]. Whenever paired with the samurai, who were [b]cool (+)[/b], the result would always be [b]uncool (-)[/b]. Thus with no way to rid themselves of the copious amounts of holy juice flowing within them, they were always at risk of spontaneous combustion. Yet the opposite happened when amateurish [b]2D[/b] drawings were given to his warriors. It's like they were kindred spirits, able to connect on a deeper level. The comingling of [b]cool (+)[/b] samurai with the [b]cool (+)[/b] 2D busty drawings produced a [b]cool (+)[/b] result, with all samurai relieved, and the deadly spontaneous combustion disease that plagued them now cured.
And that, men and women of culture, is how, through the power of hentai, Minamoto Yoritomo became the first [i][b]Shogun[/b][/i] of Japan.
[i]"But what does all of this have to do with the game?"[/i], I hear you ask—[b]absolutely nothing.[/b] The devs state [i]shunga[/i] served as one of the inspirations for the game's design, so I wanted to see what that was and saw samurai used them to masturbate. Now you too are also blessed with that same divine knowledge. So, the next time you grin or make any snide remarks towards a hentai connoisseur, just remember, samurai are cool and they liked spanking it to 2D drawings, therefore, them enjoying proto-hentai means hentai is cool, which means anyone who enjoys hentai is automatically cool.
[b]It's pervmentary, my dear.[/b]
And I guess I should also say a few words about the actual game now.
[h3][b][i]This is what all those Sex Ed classes prepared me for![/i][/b][/h3]
The developers claim it takes about 45 minutes to finish, but I speed-ran it in 19 minutes. I don't know if that's good, or bad. Anyway, during my [i]swift[/i] journey, I easily managed to resist every temptation due to my iron willpower. But being a devout servant of the Lord, [b]I was tasked with purifying all these nymphs' lustful and fiendish thoughts with the holy juice[/b], each discharge met with a thunderous explosion in the distance, shaking the very screen on which this purging of debauchery was displayed. However, before a second shot could be shot, I had to wait for the mandatory cooldown period to end. Worry not, as [b]this is where thy holy fingers will come in clutch[/b], opening, closing, and exploring all of [i]Lyonesse's[/i] caverns as if they were of a seasoned spelunker.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3101916012
Some of the drawings were quite impressive, offering [b]highly detailed illustrations[/b] of the scabbard and its sword, [i]going in, and out, in and out, in and out...[/i] This painstaking attention to detail is also present in the sound effects [i]Lyonesse[/i] employs, [b]delivering maximum immersion.[/b] [i]Very squishy and slimy.[/i] And I must commend the devs for opting to go the realism route, with one scene, in particular, touching me to my very core. I don't want to spoil too much, but I had to give my friend a pep talk to get his head in the game. Just immaculate attention to detail from the devs—playing [i]Lyonesse[/i] truly made me feel like a penis doing penis-like things.
There are also some cool easter eggs; a nice ass you can slap [i](with sound effects and everything)[/i] and oranges that, when squeezed, pour out white juice. I'm not sure what the point of squeezing oranges was, but I was uncomfortable for some reason. And I almost forgot, two cats join you on your journey. You can find them at various points of the game. No furry stuff, I promise. It's just traditional human-animal relationships here, aka., [b]you can pet the cats[/b] and that's it.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3101915424
Oh, right, the gameplay—almost forgot about that. So, I like the simplistic point-and-click style—[b]it made multitasking a breeze.[/b] And while a visual novel of sorts, the progression is done in a unique way. Each panel usually has three numbers. The goal is to click on numbers you haven't already, visiting new panels all in hopes you'll find a large gaping vagina-shaped hole to plunge yourself into to progress. I believe this to be a metaphor that we are all just simple penises looking for a hole to fill and call our own.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3101915674
In conclusion, all you closeted perverts can now finally make your owned games on Steam public. Just use the pervy equation I taught you, [b](+) + (+) = (+)[/b], to explain to an uncool non-samurai why you have so many hentai games in your account. You shouldn't feel shame for following the ancient samurai teachings of [i]Hentaidō, the way of the perv.[/i] You'll always be cool because, despite beating their meat to 2D big tiddies, samurai [b]were, are, and always will be cool[/b], no matter what. Trust me, I would never lie to you guys.
[i]To all who made it this far, I hope the knowledge I bestowed upon you serves you well. However, if your hunger is unsatiated, you can always consume more exquisite knowledge from the [url=https://store.steampowered.com/curator/40407656/]Gospel of Sv. Prolivije[/url] or dig deep in search of valuable [url=https://store.steampowered.com/curator/32732116/]IndieGems[/url].[/i]
