Beach Bitch

very short game. overall its alright.

During my search for easy to 100% visual novel games I was wading through a sea of literal human excrement, some of the lowest pits of human depravity known to human kind. Scams, and traps and musky meat traps. Some games, long, some games short, it was like the Bonnie Blue 1,000 without the smell of rubber and baby oil. After a while and numerous gallons of baby oil, I didn’t know if I was at a playboy party from the 80’s or a Diddy Freak off. Anyway, enough about my life growing up as the fat guy with the little bird from everyone’s favorite German Shiza movie about the fat mentally handicap guy locked in a cage who after being savagely mocked by the towns people breaks free and proceeds to go to pound town on every woman he can find,.. With consent of course. Borat stole the story from me when he told the tale of his brother Bilo… I am still waiting for my royalty checks. Anyway, where was I at. Oh yes my search for visual novels I could use to increase my e-peen and have the steam girlies flocking to me like George Clooney. Much like The Postal dude made famous by Uwe Boll’s Postal movie and NOTHING ELSE I prefer my woman 40+ and on the larger size. I keep getting distracted and trying really hard to entertain you because if you buy this game You won’t be entertained… duh duh duh. The story – The story starts off with Alice and Sophie on a beach, chilling, enjoying life, drinking their drinks and just trying to have a little fun.. When along comes a Goblin (we’ll call him Meat) not a goblin like South Park Snookie but a real Goblin from like Gobbyland or something.. Anyway the “Meat” does what any Goblin is prone to do and he grabs one of the girls. Not wanting to let this transgression go, Alice and Sophie team up like the Power Rangers, if you took away all the power rangers but the female ones and put them in Bikini’s (pretty sure it’s already been done somewhere in the world) After Meat has been thoroughly Beaten, and the girls are tired and exhausted, out of no where like a Randy Orton RKO come a group of wandering Lizards. You can see where this is going right.. I thought I accidentally hit the Do Not Open button on my brothers browser again. Lizard whatever their dingos are called for miles. Gameplay – much like any other Visual novel with out choices, you read the boring writing while clicking your mouse with one hand.. Holding your meat (not the Goblin) in your other hand and contemplate what a grape nut is, maybe even drink a little of your own Whizz. Pro’s +1, Easy, fast 100% Con’s Short, like under five minutes No fake pretend choices … pfft.. Lots of stuff that would make Collective shout gouge their eyes out Content to cost ratio is out of whack.. 4.99 for 5 minutes. maybe??? Zero replay ability Recommendation – Even for me, someone who enjoys bolstering my own achievements online I was left unimpressed... Sure I got the +1 and the extra perfect game but this wasn’t even a game. They could have at the very least given a few illusionary choices so you could replay the game and feel like you’ve got your money’s worth. I played the game for 3 minutes and got all the achievements. I actually had to idle the game for another 2 minutes to write this review which took 5 times longer to write then actually play the game. The only saving grave is it counts towards owned games and will give you a very easy +1 to your completed games. I’d fully recommend waiting till the game is 2.99 and buying it then. *edit note - I thought the game cost 9.99, but it's really 4.99. Even at 4.99 the cost to content ratio is still really skewed, although it's alot more tolarable at that price. I'd say if your a game collector or achievement hunter 4.99 might be ok, for everyone else, wait for a sale and 2.99