Hey kiddo, Handsome Jack here... and I just played DOOM, and apparently someone looked at Hell itself and thought, “You know what this place needs? One extremely angry man with a shotgun and absolutely no interest in diplomacy.” Finally, a government with a sensible foreign policy.
You play as the Doom Slayer, who wakes up in a coffin, looks around at a facility overrun by demons, and immediately starts murdering everything in sight. No questions. No negotiations. No employee orientation.
Just violence.
Honestly, I respect the efficiency.
The combat is incredible. You don't hide behind cover. You don't sit around waiting for your health to regenerate. You run directly toward the demons, shoot them until they're nearly dead, and then violently rip them apart so they give you health and ammunition.
That's not combat.
That's employee recycling.
And the demons? Oh, kiddo. There are so many of them. Imps, Hell Knights, Revenants, Mancubus, Cacodemons, giant disgusting monsters... and every single one seems personally offended that you're still alive.
Then the music starts.
Oh.
THE MUSIC.
You know you're about to have a productive afternoon when the guitar starts screaming and approximately 900 demons decide to attack you simultaneously.
The Doom Slayer doesn't talk much either, which I appreciate. He doesn't need a dramatic monologue every five minutes explaining his feelings. He communicates through actions.
Mostly actions involving shotguns.
The Glory Kills are fantastic too. You weaken an enemy, run up to them, and rip them apart with your bare hands. It's excessive, ridiculous, and completely satisfying.
And then there's the BFG.
THE BFG.
Kiddo, that's not a weapon.
That's a corporate restructuring tool.
You point it at a room full of demons and suddenly the room has significantly fewer demons.
Problem solved.
The story is surprisingly good too. There's a lot of lore if you want it, but the game never forces you to sit through hours of exposition. You can read the documents if you're interested.
Or you can ignore them and continue committing interdimensional genocide.
Your choice.
The only real problem is that eventually you realize the game has turned you into an adrenaline-addicted psychopath who thinks opening a door should immediately result in thirty demons trying to kill you.
And you love it.
10/10, kiddo.
Fast, brutal, loud, ridiculous, and almost impossibly satisfying.
I'd give it 11, but the Doom Slayer already has the BFG.
I don't want to encourage him.
He looks like the kind of employee who would use it during a performance review.
And frankly?
I'd probably deserve it.
