First of all, I would like to wish a [b]very merry[/b] ([i]late[/i]) [b]Christmas to all my dear friends and readers![/b] I hope you had a wonderful holiday! Now, I wanted to end the Christmas season (and the new year) with something of a bang, reviewing either an [i]unironically[/i] hilarious game or a game [i]so bad[/i] that it'll be a blast to write about anyway. And [b]Creepy Claus looked like the perfect contestant[/b]......[spoiler]spoilers, it's not.[/spoiler] The game's not [i]so bad[/i] it's good, or [i]actually[/i] good, or even has anything [i]really all that funny[/i]. [b]Creepy Claus[/b] is just... [b]nothing[/b]. A big plate of nothing cookies that'll drop you [i]a whole five dollars[/i].
[b]Hey! are you tired of those randomly generated “horror” maze games where you try to find some random number of items while big scary guy is chasing you?[/b] [i]No??[/i] [b]well, I got good news for you, buddy boy! here's another one of them!![/b] This time, you're at Santa's workshop at the North Pole, and you gotta wrap fourteen presents before Santa finds and [b]kills you!! [i]oh no! [/i] [/b] anyway, the game is about as simple as it gets; just run around with the usual [b]WASD[/b] controls, while occasionally spamming the space bar when some elf jumpscares you and latches onto your face [spoiler](it's as stupid as it sounds)[/spoiler]. All this mediocrity is complimented by some honestly [i]really ugly visuals[/i]. The North Pole is nothing more than an endless maze of empty corridors, with the rooms where they actually make toys being [b]completely empty[/b] as well. And look, I realize it's supposed to be a “[i]horror[/i]” game, but there's just nothing here that [i]feels like Christmas[/i]. On top of that, the wall textures and lighting are glitching and Z-fighting so much that it feels like the building is going to come [b]crashing down any moment[/b]. The sound department isn't really doing any better, as the soundtrack is non-existent, and the sound effects are utterly generic; and the game glitches halfway through every round anyway, making everything go [b]dead silent[/b]. [i]At least we've got Santa![/i] He's a funny looking dude! Unintentionally (well, presumably), his face shares an uncanny resemblance to actor Toby Jones (y'know, Arnim Zola from the Captain America movies); and he's got the [b]world's biggest belly button[/b]. And his killing animation, [spoiler]where he goes up and grabs you before turning out your lights with a knuckle sandwich,[/spoiler] is just [b]m w u h.[/b] [i]chef's kiss[/i]. Still, even a [b]fat bearded big belly button Toby Jones Santa punching people[/b] can't save an otherwise [i]blah[/i] experience.
You know what [b]Creepy Claus[/b] does have? [b]One heckuva compelling story[/b]... okay, [i]it really doesn't[/i]; but it'd still be funny to take it as seriously as possible. It's Christmas Eve, and you're the only worker left (I guess you're an elf or something. idk), and [b]you gotta wrap these presents right NOW. [i]We're already behind schedule!!.... [/i] [/b] but [i]why is it that every present is this really lame plastic Christmas tree? Why is the North Pole so gosh darn empty to begin with?[/i] [b]Why is Santa in such a bad mood?[/b] Simple: [b]the North Pole is losing money, and fast[/b]. Today's kids simply don't believe in Santa anymore. [spoiler]heck, all it takes is a quick Google search[/spoiler]. And Santa letting Amazon rent out the North Pole to film [b]Dwayne Johnson Saves Christmas[/b] movie (officially known as Red One, but that's basically what it is) only to [b]lose a freakin' $400 million on it[i] didn't exactly help matters. [/i] [/b] As depressing as it might be, [b]Santa is going broke[/b]. That's why he laid off 99% of his staff, and why he treats that last 1% [spoiler](you)[/spoiler] like garbage. [b]You are expendable[/b]. When in financial trouble, big companies and such will desperately search in vain for a solution that somehow costs them no money, all while finding even more ways to abuse the workers who [i]just want to put food on the table[/i]. Now, do you think [b]Creepy Claus[/b] [i]knew it was exposing the horrors of the retail industry?[/i] most likely not, but it was still a lot of fun to write about.
[b]Creepy Claus[/b] is really no different than meme games like [b]Obama Maze[/b] and [b]Grandpa's Cheese[/b]; but while I had some ironic fun with those two titles; [i]it's mostly because they were free[/i]. With a five dollar price tag, you tend to expect a little bit more; something which [b]Creepy Claus never delivers on[/b]. The gameplay is boring, the graphics are ugly, and [i]it all just feels pointless[/i]. still, [b]Merry Christmas fellas[/b].
